You better kill yourself, you self-righteous bitch!

Girlfriends, every guy wants a girlfriend, so did I, I have spent around 15 years without kissing a girl and later when I found one, I dumped her the very same day, I just couldn’t figure why! But afterward I concluded that their cranky self-righteous attitude is totally intolerable and I better off without a hag screaming in my ears about what she likes and what not!

Guys are all set to give arms away for busty girls but they never bother to understand that how doleful their lives will become once they go out with these hags. You better follow me and how I coped up this situation so easily!

So it happened the other day when I was at the grocery store looking for a dishwasher liquid bottle when I met this chubby busty hag “Amy”, she was looking for the same and unfortunately there was only one left on the rack so I quickly grabbed it and the hag started bitching and moaning that she saw it first, as am a generous gentleman I showed a little respect an let her take it, she chuckled at me and my dick instantly updated me that “it’s time to go bang -bang” so I started a flirt kinda conversation with her and ended by taking her address and her phone number.

Later that day, I received a phone call from her.

Amy: “hey, it’s Amy, the grocery store girl. Remember”

Me: “hey, how are you? Yeah I do remember”.

Amy: “well am really pissed about my dad”

Me: “your dad, huh? What happened?”

Amy: “I told him about you and he got mad at me.”

Me: “about me, what are you talking about?”

Amy: “I told him that I like you and want to date you”

Me:  “really you want to date me, that’s cool”

Amy: “but what about my dad”

Me: “ignore that old fart, Ima look into what’s wrong with him”

Amy: “alright, tomorrow evening at 7,

Me: “sure”.

So the next day’s evening I showed up at her home and knocked the door a time or two

Her dad opened the door; he was lardass undersexed midget with big eyes.

Me: “Is Amy home?”

Midget: “no, she’s not home, May I ask you, how do you know her?”

Me: “I met her at the grocery store, I must commend she’s a cool girl, and we have planned to hang out tonight.”

Than out of nowhere I hear Amy’s voice.

Amy: “Dad! dinner is ready.”

I knew that faggot was lying to me but I didn’t say a word as I really wanted to bang that hag and I could barely suppress the urge.

Me: “hey, Amy how are you?”

Amy: “chillin’ as always, what about you?”

Me: “I’m just fine..fine.”

Midget: “hey why don’t you dine with us tonight?”

Amy: “Dad we have already planned to hang out tonight.”

Midget: “but it’s already late.”

The midget was feeling a bit dubious as he saw me gape at his daughter’s boobs.

The hag didn’t listen to him and sat in my car, I drove her out of there straight away.

On the way I asked her.

Me: “so where are we going anyway?”

Amy: “haven’t dined at a Chinese restaurant in like forever.”

Poor cunt, I can go there eleven times a day and can also smack a punch in the face of the manager regardless how much of money he makes.

Me: “sure”.

So we reached the restaurant in no time.

I got out of the car and like an ideal gentleman I opened the car door for her, that hag probably took around a total of 5 minutes to get out of the car, if she were not busty I would have cussed at her.

We reached the counter, the hag said

Amy: “you go sit, I will be there in a minute, I gotta make a phone call”

Me: “I got a cell phone.”

Amy: “no, it’s private.”

Private! What does she mean private?, she’s already giving attitude like if I ain’t no shit

I could slap her five across to the eyes but my cock always holds me back.

Me: “alright”

And went in and took a seat.

Like around after 5 minutes she showed up.

Me: who were you talking to?

Amy: “(seething) it’s none of your business?”

Me: silent.

Then the waiter showed up and handed a menu to the hag it was the only one that he had, so I had to wait before she could order, that hag looked into the menu like if it was a fucking porn clip, took around 2 minutes and couldn’t order anything, so she handed it to me.

I looked into it and there was hardly anything palatable that didn’t include shrimp in it and said.

Me: “is there anything that doesn’t include shrimp?”

The waiter was a diehard Chinese and could hardly comprehend this foreign language.

Waiter: “(pause for 3 seconds) sir, me no English well, please manager”

(The ultimate attempt that I made to decode

what he actually meant was “im a dim-witted

Chinese, please sock one in the manager for

hiring me”)

It was already getting late and I didn’t have time to go and argue the obtuse manager since I knew that manager was even worse.

So I just unwillingly ordered salt baked shrimps by pointing at it on the menu.

The hag started talking about everything lame, and was totally pissing me off and I was looking for the waiter so that I could finish quick and get my arms on her boobs.

Me: “so”.

Amy: “so, hey can you wait for a minute? I gotta go to the restroom.”

Me: “ohk!”

I started playing with the chopsticks while she was in the restroom and she took plenty of time, the waiter served the shrimp but she was still not back, she finally shows up.

Me: “hey! You took real long.”

She smiles…

5 minutes later.

Amy: “hey can you wait…I will be back”

Me: (reluctantly) “o..h..k!”

And in like 15 minutes she went to the restroom for around 12 times like a fucking piss factory.

I have already mentioned that I’m short tempered and such things turn me off

Me: “hey! What’s wrong with you, am not here to watch you go to the restroom again and again.”

Amy: “what do you mean, how come you tell me what’s right and what’s not, you can’t fucking rule me, how dare you boss me?”

Wow hag. An exclusive speech on civil/democratic rights like if I care.

This infuriated me but, I didn’t say a word and decided to teach the hag a lesson on “how to get dumped?”

I pretended to be normal and continued talking to her about everything.

I finished my dinner, went close to her and put my fingers down my throat; puked it all over her face with the nastiest of the stink I could ever summon and gave her a shower of a life time she will never forget, she tried to hit me but I’m stronger and could control her well and gave her a chop right on the boobs.

Me: “chubby fat fugly ass whore! aww is that it? You slimy fat douche with wrinkles on your 5000 pound ass! Lazy scum on earth. People like u don’t work and just sit depositing fat up their ass fucking ignorant elephant a fucking prehistoric creature. Diabetic skid mark on my underwear, methane gas container, steaming pile of shit, anal slut, folded body mass of a hippo. I wanna puke in your face oh I already did hoe.  You are the fattest and the ugliest peace of warm methane that airs with redundant fat imported from the Chubbers Island, get a life hag.”

I covered my face with the napkin paper and fled off there rapidly as I knew that people around could take a proper action against me and I didn’t want to go to jail.

I jumped in my car and drove off..

At least I got a chance to put my hand on her boobs though it was a chop.

It was a fun date at least for me

I’m still dating girls and the day I find another supercilious hag like her, am surely gonna repeat the puke process.  WORD!

Screw that

Ya Dig!

HAMMER THY NEIGHBOR AND LOVE THYSELF!

HAMMER THY NEIGHBOR AND LOVE THYSELF

I really have no clue that why every one wants to piss me off, I am happy alone and I don’t want them and their nosey ass, am sick of it but am sure if today they give up, they are surely going to show up tomorrow morning with their repulsive apologetic face and ask for my car for the reason that their car broke down and they want to go hangout with their hags, so why not fool me and take my car along. I have let them take my car several times and 10 out of 20 times I found my car stalled on a tow truck at the freeway, I usually don’t say a word because I follow the saying “Love thy neighbor” but what happened the other day I can never forget.

So it happened last Monday when I was watching porn as usual in my drawing room when my neighbor Ray showed up at my porch and started talking to me through the window.

Ray: “hey! What’s up?”

Me: “nothing much just spending a lazy day watching spiritual videos! What are you up to?”

Ray: “nothing! Me and my girl are just planning to hang out but our car broke down so can I take your car? we will be back before 5.”

Me: “man I just gave you the car not even a week ago and you stalled it out in the middle of the highway, man I had to push it back home and it fucking whacked me out!”

Ray: “I assure you, it ain’t gonna happen again. That day I did hella LSD so was trippin’ real hard!”.

Me: “nope!”

Ray: “come on man, it ain’t gonna happen. WORD!”

Me: (in a bit pissed mood) “ohk!”

‘I opened up the window pain and dropped the key in his hand, sat back and kept up with the porn. Around after 2 hours I received a phone call, its Ray’

Ray: “hey! your car broke down here, come and take it! “

Me: “where?”

Ray: “here on the freeway!”

Me: “what? But how?”

Ray: “I don’t know but it stalled out on the way, am leaving it here so come over and take it.

I’m short tempered and this really turned me off”

Me: “hey just wait there, am heading your way!”

Ray: “Alright”

‘I went to my room and took my grandpa’s baseball bat, got on my bike and reached there in no time!’

Ray: “am glad you are here man, can I take your bike?!”

I looked into the car and found that the parking break was on and he drove around 25 miles with the breaks on and that was probably the reason why my car broke down.

Ray: hey! What took you so long?

I just couldn’t stand there to listen to his crap and socked one in his sternum, kicked his crotch so hard that he peed and bludgeoned his head into the car, he was all the way knocked out on the ground.

Then his cranky hag started screeching on me and hitting me with her spongy arms like if I really was going to pay attention to her, I smacked one on her head and landed a flying drop kick in her saggy ovaries; she perhaps passed out, I didn’t check.

Some faggot was passing by and saw me doing that, so he took a mighty step and tried to stop me.

Faggot : “hey! How dare you hit a girl!”

Me: “faggot!”

and gave him a sweet chin music (kick) and broke his teeth all the way out! He was down BLEEDING HIS ASS OFF; but that shit made me feel exhausted, so I just sat inside the car, had some beer and called a tow truck to take my car back home and finally reached my home after like 4 hours. And then I did what I do best and that’s watching porn! The next day I heard some guy knocking my door, its ray!

Ray: “hey! Am really sorry for the other day, can I take your car!?”

GUESS WHAT TOOL

ITS

BATTING TIME!!

YA DIG?

REASON!why myspace addicts should be deported to hell!

I hate myspace, I just have it to promote my shit not to live there 24 X 7, something that most of the people do in spite of the little money they make, this act of dumbassness makes me feel so pissed when my own friends do the same and tell me how many friend requests they received the other day like if I really care, receiving a friend request is more important for them than just anything else and they can screw your computer up if they find that you have one and you try to stop them by pointing a gun at them and threatening them that you will pull the trigger if they get any closer to your computer, sure I do the same but I don’t have a gun so a fork is a great option too.

They are really worried about their profile layout and spend precious hours in searching for them; they love their myspace more than their family and can even move out to spend a great life with their new date that’s their myspace profile, I have had myspace addict friends who used to ask me how they could make myspace layouts. Conversation went as below

Myspace addict: “yo, how can I make a kickass myspace layout of my own with great features like automatic replies to comments, my 3D ultra photoshoped HD QUALITY pictures, my update of every second, my cock for people to play with, visitors counter, tweaks and cheats, site map, ultra version of the classic limited edition star trek shock wave flash video game, and a lot more!”

ME: “did you do your homework?”

Myspace addict: “nope!”

ME: “did you call 911 when your mom was choking to death?”

Myspace addict: “nope!”

ME: “did you update your myspace?”

Myspace addict: “yup sure!”

ME: “did you go to the douche reunion lately?”

Myspace addict: “Umm..yup! But how do you know?”

ME: ( aggressively pointing a fork at him) “Get out of my house right now,  you cock or ima call the police!”

Myspace addict: “you mad at me?”

ME: (stabbing his right butt cheek with the fork) “No why would I be? Fag!”
I know I did the right job so should you and let’s just hope these faggots don’t breed Lets make special rules for all of these myspace additcts!

1. Every citizen should be equipped with a taser to instantly paralyze such myspace addicts if seen, who will later be dealt with under correctional facilities.
2. person accused for breeding myspace addicts will be impeached to the most atrocious limits including “castration or mercy killing”
3. such wankers should be stripped off their rights and dropped off the Niagara falls with their portrayed myspace profile picture tied around their necks and an internet connection up their ass.
4. Delete their myspace profiles.
5. That’s it.

Though you are 50 years old and still have a myspace  but make sure that your child is not a myspace addict or any close to the vicinity of the word “myspace addict”, If your kid shows any sign of an addict, ground him for life, beat him, tell him that he is worthless, put him on work and take a large part of his income for your weeds and stuff,make them commit felonies so he will eventually go to jail, make him feel like you have never been angrier, m sure he is going to quit either myspace or living with you, anyway if he quits myspace, definitely one day he will come into sight as a great personality perfect for noble award, the way am going to receive a noble award sooner for being the most intelligent person alive! Screw that TOOL!

YA DIG?

© 2009 The Best Blog in the Universe

Tips for girls that look like guys and chubby women on fashion and how to get a Boyfriend!

Tips for girls that look like guys and for chubby women on fashion and how to get a Boyfriend!

Are you sure you look good, how many times do you look in the mirror and try to find the smallest blemish in your face, this might take a complete day gazing in the mirror like if it is a fucking magic mirror, well this might sound incisive but the truth is harsh!

So we start off the scratch!

I know women and girls can go to just any height to look good no matter how horrible and hideous they are, staying pretty is their foremost duty than just anything else, this includes breathing as well, spending ours in cosmetic stores makes them weary but they never cave in, if applying stuff and wearing over hundred layers of make up still don’t contribute any raise to their beauty and make them even uglier they head to the plastic surgeon.

So here are few tips for women who look like men.

Well the feature that counts the most is the face, always shave never forget to put a complete bowl full of foam on your face and shave it all the way through in one go repeat the process for at least 25 times, apply a bottle full of after shave and can even mix it in the bath tub which can later be used after you wax a ton of pubic hair off your body, now you must be wondering hair all over the body. Weird!  It’s true! Girls that look like guys have special features for instance “curly pubic hair all over the body”

After the bath, gargle with a glass full of dishwasher liquid to get rid of that horse voice,wear not less than 25 layers of make up, it must be directly proportional to the number of times you shave, try to hide the moustache line however it’s shaved but it’s quite apparent that you have shaved, if you have short hair, as a majority of guy-girls fail to grow long hair, wear a wig but not blonde if your skin is supper tanned this goes for black girls too, talk like you really are a girl oh yeah you are a girl ,wear skirts instead of pants to make sure that people find you a girl not a she male or a man but your legs must not be hairy this grosses out people easily, keep pulling the skirt up every time you see a guy around you( ignore this, if your legs are chubby!), try to look cute and sexually attractive but not like a boy , cat walk the way models walk on ramps not like a fucking raccoon, never approach a guy first or he might find you as a faggot looking for a gay partner there are chances that he will flee off, stand your ground and make sure that you are not looking like a guy by gaping into the hand mirror time after time, never forget to take the make up stuff with you and use it right when you feel that some guy is looking at you regardless of what he is actually thinking, if he continues looking at you for over 5 minutes start looking into his eyes and pull your skirt all the way up and keep a part of your sight on his cock, if it looks a bit protruding, you are done, get closer and initiate the conversation with him, during the conversation do question about his orientation and make sure that he didn’t find you a guy and fantasize a gay night with you, if not then go out with him, date him for a month or two, but never drag him to the bed because he is ultimately going to get freaked out so why should we let this happen, yup later try to make him feel like you are cheating on him with your brother, yup brother because there is scarcely any probability that you will get another guy to fall in your trap, screw himself all the way up and get himself deported to gay island, so your brother will be the perfect option to cheat on your so called boyfriend… if none of these tips works out, lash out on me in an email..

Here are some make up tips for whopping girls and women

Since you are monstrous, we know nobody likes you and you spend most of the time drooling over the food in the kitchen, all appalled about your body’s extraordinary size that’s not smaller than a fucking tow truck, you spend ages in the room and turn out to be an obnoxious fat emo and lock yourself up in the bath room time after time, you really need to calm down, if it’s not working out in real life, it’s about time to go online, make a new account on myspace. Yup! new not the older one because everyone out there has the consciousness about your real self and how ugly you are, on your new myspace profile enter your name as sexy sassy or sexy bitch or whatever but it must contain the word sexy, never use your real name so that your other friends don’t find you and reveal your reality to your newly found victims. Use a porn picture rather than your own pic as the default of your profile this is just for the effect  but upload your special photoshoped pictures that make you look like a skinny cam whore “absolutely ready to fuck”  in the picture section of your profile, dare to go out and buy tons of make up and a webcam , use the webcam when you think the guy is dumb and won’t figure that you are fat and hideous, increase the contrast and the brightness so that you look white but not sick and hide all the blemishes on your face, always touch your boobs and run your arms around your pussy to make the conversation  more sex oriented, blow kisses and keep asking him if he really likes you or not and you’re hot. If he says no then keep asking him until he changes his views, finally gets depressed and calls you hot that’s it, never go out with anyone you meet online because certainly he will run off.

Here are tips on how to get your pictures taken.

1. The restroom is the best place to get your pictures snapped.
2. Wear make up enough to cover your bulging cheeks.
3. apply a little lipstick, do not apply red lipstick because fat girls look like clowns with red lipstick it’s the truth try it out sometimes, you’re gonna quit lipstick that day and on
4. Apply a lot of mascara and look a bit like fat emo and wear emo goggles.
5. Never forget to make hand gestures while taking pictures, hands gesture add an extra feature to the pic, the observer will look more at the hand gesture than your body and face, this way you can easily conceal your chubbiness and ugliness at the same time.
6. Never wear pants, we already know that you can’t but never even think of  trying it anyhow, screw that

YA DIG?

THE JOURNEY OF A LIFE TIME.

Road trip

We all have cars and are pretty  proud of them no matter how wrecked , shitty but we still can go to any level to protect  them, so do I, but what happened last summer got me so pissed that I almost killed myself.

So it happened last summer when me and my friend Jacob were heading back home from aspen after attending a Jew birthday ceremony. On our way back on the freeway something uncanny happened, some loser kid on a hog came in front of us and I lost control over the car, in order to stop the car I had to do a 90 or we would have died in vain, the car went in to some tree and what I  tasted was the fucking airbag which smelt like some diaper, something that I never expected , our car broke down and there was no repair station in the vicinity, so I just told Jacob to push the car while I sit inside to steer it till we reach some repair shop and get it repaired, he started gawking at me all dismayed like If I  told him that I hooked his girl last night and said

Jacob: “man I sit inside, why don’t you push it”

Me: ” come on, it’s my car and I know how to steer it, fucking I have been doing this all my life and who the fuck are you to rule me, now go back and push” he was out of words, caved in and went back and started pushing!

Me: “what the fuck, at least let me get in, it can’t fucking steer by itself”

I was real glad watch that a dolt who never even bothered enough to pick up a remote control and change the fucking channel is pushing a 1000 pound car alone, it was going to be entertaining and so it was, after a travel of around 11.5 miles we finally reached a gas satiation and went into some restaurant named “eat at your own risk” like some fucking tool factory, I asked the lady at counter if she knew about some repair stations around as our car broke down,

Lady at the counter: “well-3second pause– nope”

I once again asked if she mistakenly said “no” now what she said totally freaked me out

Lady at the counter: “Do you want to place an order or else” this infuriated me I said

Me: “what the fuck are you talking about, you’re threatening me, you can’t just fucking start threatening people for no fucking reason, am a proud citizen of America and you can’t just fuking mess with me, I got the rights and the democracy and none of you stinky country side pricks can fuck with me, if am being gentle that’s just for a fucking reason or I would have had you run over”.
She smirked at me like if she had some sort of shot gun and was going to shoot me in the crack, she loudly said “Danny!” I looked back and searched for him in the restaurant and what I see is a giant muscular entity looking at me searing with anger and was on his way to whoop my ass, he flung me and Jacob all the way out and oh yeah during this course of time Jacob hardly had any word out of his fucking mouth.

So we parked the car right outside the restaurant and started walking down the street looking for some guy whom we could dig up some information about the repair station from, we walked on and on but couldn’t find anyone so we planned to return to the restaurant as we totally got whacked of walking and could hardly stand on our feet, we could have made some calls but fucking we were out of cell range and out of battery, we finally reached the restaurant and what we see is some douche making vulgar and offensive signs on my car with a spray can,

Me: “HEY WHAT THE FUCK”
he dropped the can and started running like if I was really going to run after him, fucking I could hardly breath how would I chase him down, I started laughing and crying at the same time, aggravation had the best of me and Jacob was peeking into the porn magazine that I picked up from the grocery store when we were leaving aspen,
Me “come on faggot when did you turn straight, I bought you some fag rag what up with that queer, go get it, it’s in the car and stop fucking with my stuff already” he looked disappointed though but again had his dick stuck in the magazine. I was feeling hungry and could  scarcely resist and so I summoned up the energy and went inside to fetch something  though I was not sure if Danny would bludgeon my head into the wall and make me bleed my ass off but I just couldn’t stand there with that perpetual intricacy I met, as I walked inside I found Danny right on the counter laughing on the phone “phone” “a phone” I finally found a way out, I just couldn’t stop myself and burst out laughing like if he really was going to let me use the phone,

Me: ” hey, remember me well I just came over to apologize, I shouldn’t have said that, my Bad, can I place an order and make a call, me and my friend Jacob are really whacked out and having a lot of difficulties and it’s too dark out there, we are not used to such situation so would you”.
He started laughing and pointing finger at me like if  I was a goddamn joke” I punched him in the face despite of the fact that I was exhausted, well I can’t just listen to shit and watch people laughing at me heartlessly, then he and some other guys probably from the kitchen started beating the fuck out of me and threw me into some big trashcan with all the profanity this planet could ever experience and I was so screwed that I didn’t have the liveliness to move out and stayed in there for almost like two hours screaming “Jacob’s name time after time, my mouth almost dried the fuck out and then he finally came over enjoying the scene, smiling,
Jacob: ” man, I told you don’t mess with people in the country side they aint no good, now get out and get going”

Me: ” where the fuck had you been scumbag, I have been in here for the past 2 hours, had you been hooking up with those dickwads ” and then what he said faded all the confidence I had in him,
Jacob: “well, I don’t know why they are hating on you, they are pretty nice people, gave me dinner, that phone is a fucking intercom that you had your ass beat up for and now am planning to sleep, had you been nice to them then they won’t have beaten you up, it’s all your fault don’t fucking blame me for no fucking cause loser” I finally dragged my ass out with a little help from Jacob and some how managed to get to the car and looked into the rear view mirror and what I see is a fuking blemish on my face “a fucking inspiration that I should have a plastic surgery”,

Me:”man this is the worst journey I’ve ever been on, the moment I move out of this torture I would go nirvana, that’s it no more fucking, no more weeds, no more cussing, it’s sick, ya dig screw that the moment I move out am heading to a fucking strip club and fucking bang a bitch”!
Jacob : ” yeah me too but how we ridding of this misery man, am totally whacked, had there been some Budweiser the night would be fun”

Me: “listen up faggot, just because am talking to you doesn’t mean that am your friend anymore, you dissed me all the way in front of those clowns, the moment I rid of

this wretchedness am surely moving my way on my car without you, you hear me dickhead” so we spent the night talking and eventually fell asleep.

Ultimately the sun rose and I woke up before Jacob and started looking around to find some AD- boards or a signs of a repair shop, I woke Jacob up and asked him to help me find it, he was sorry about what he did to me the other night so due to my kind nature I forgave him, consequently I had my ass in the car and asked him to push it, we continued moving for almost 50 miles yeah “50 miles” and we found some arrow indicating the left direction, we looked  left and what we see is a “strip club”
Me: “what the fuck, a fucking mirage, hey j look do you see what I see”

Jacob: ” yeah it’s a strip club”

Me: “what the fuck is a strip club doing over here in a deserted place that even lacks the fucking basic necessities, lets have a look” we walked towards the strip club and stood around the door way since I was feeling a bit dubious  that It could be some ghostly place I asked Jacob to walk inside “hey j what are you waiting for engraved invitation, walk in” Jacob a bit frightened  said ” fuck you man” and walked in, all of a sudden he came out running and said ” hey man it’s a fucking party time come on in” I cheerfully said “that’s my j” and rushed inside and what I see is a busty bitch with Jacob,

Jacob: “come on it’s a fun run, am really enjoying the girl, come on get one for yourself too”

Me: “sure but first I need some thing to eat” and swiftly grabbed some bear and cheetos. Cheetos and beer was all they had and that’s what I was looking for, after having the meal I jumped off the chair and quickly grabbed a bitch and the fun had started, well I didn’t know that it was a fucking certified fuck centre, the bitch pulled me to a room and said “is that bald guy your friend”

Me: “yup his name is Jacob”
Bitch: “is anything wrong with him?”

Me: ” yeah, he is a fucking faggot, how you got to know that guy is a fucking moron” Bitch: “well, he came to me and asked if this is a strip club, I said yes and he started touching my boobs recklessly like if I got no respect”

Me: “I have known this guy all my life and I figured that he is a fucking douche, I can’t even shit without him taking interest, you are fast at reckoning, had I reckoned this earlier I would have chucked him out years ago, well lets start off what we came over for, you hear me girl”

Bitch “alright” but out of the blue I realized that it was a deserted place and the bitch could charge more for the service

Me: ” hey! How much do you charge, I usually pay 25 bucks for a night in NY”

Bitch: “molly! That’s so less I charge 100 bucks for a night, how do they manage with such less amount in a state like NY” I really had penchant for the bitch and some how coped the situation,

Me: “it’s ohk now  get naked”

Bitch: “oh my god! That pecker is so tiny, the smallest” and started laughing at me,

Me: “so tiny! What the fuck you mean by so small, where you from the wholly mammoths, my dick is 11inch long aint that big enough for a hoe like you why you all start laughing at me”

Bitch: “the longest that I’ve seen was 25″

Me: “what the fuck, now bend down, have some doggy style” and before we could start I heard some guy knocking on the door, Great! It’s Jacob,

Jacob: “hey, it’s time to leave” Me “huh! Man we haven’t even started yet; you’re done already come on now!”

Jacob: “It’s getting dark already and I don’t wanna spend another night without shelter, you know am not used to that”

Me: “fuck you man” and put my clothes back on and opened the door. So we walked to the lobby and now what I see at the counter, it’s my friend Benji.. Yeah “Benji madden” from the band good charlotte”

Me:”hey,bro wat up with you in ere”

Benji: ” man my car broke down, saw this strip club, decided to join the fun, what are you guys doing down here”

Me: “man it’s the same story with us, our car broke down and we have been pushing it around since yesterday morning, you got a cell phone or something” Benji “yeah I just made a call to the car repair station, they must getting in ere in an hour or two, so enjoyed the girls”

Me: “no fucking way man Jacob screwed the fun, now aint feeling no fun, this bitches aint cool either, you know the charge for a night its fucking 100bucks I never paid that much and surely aint gonna pay even if shes the last hoe on the planet”

Benji: “ha ha ha , yeah right, so you guys aint drinking when did you quit”

Me: “I drank enough around 5 gallons why don’t you try some it’s a special from a deserted countryside, It’s fun even better than absinth”

Benji: “really ima try”

Jacob: “it’s getting dark man”

Me: “fuck the night faggot”,  eventually  hours passed and none the car repair vans showed up , so we parked the cars outside the club as none of us had balls enough to drag them both and planned to walk for 10 more miles , Jacob took some beer and cheetos for the way and almost knocked the fuck out on the road so I had to drag him along or he would have been left and am not that cruel, we walked on and on and on and reached some zany spot named “we serve you better” I wondered “what do they serve” and went to counter and said “hey what is this place for, what you guys serve” guy on the counter looked  into my eyes like If I was a fucking mugger  and loudly said “everything is yours” and hid under the counter,

Me: “what the fuck! Do I look like a fucking thief, what are you actually trying to prove” guy on the counter swiftly moved out of the hiding,

Guy at the counter: “hello, sir welcome to McDonalds im lovin it!” Me “what the fuck”this place aint McDonalds it’s a fucking brothel, I know how does a McDonald look, you’re a fucking poser”

Guy at the counter: “you sir are wrong, it is a McDonald, since hardly any customer shows up down here we have taken all the advertisement boards off the shop and sold them in a fucking backyard sale along with my grandma’s panties”

Me: “really you telling the truth”

Guy at the counter: “right, can I take your order”

Me:”nah, none of us is hungry, we already had enough, is there any place where we can get a rented car or something”

Guy at the counter: “sure, there is a guy who gives cars on rent, you guys seem strangers but ima help you guys coz after years I have seen some customers or at least close to customers as you guys bought nothing”

Me: “we aint hungry man”

Guy at the counter: “alright” and picked up the phone and made a call to the guy who gave cars on hire.

Guy at the counter: “hey there, some guys over here looking for a car on rent, am sending                           them help ‘em out, you here me”

Guy on the phone: “sure send em’ over”

Guy at the counter put the phone down and said “go two blocks ahead, he’s gonna be there with the car”

Me: “and how long are these two blocks”

Guy at the counter: “around a mile or over, have a nice journey see you guys later”

Me: “later nah”

We left the place, Jacob was still not up so I had to carry him around on my shoulder and after a walk of almost 1.5 miles we ultimately reached the guy,

Me: “you the guy who gives cars on rent, right”

Guy: “you the guys that Ronnie told me about”

Me “well, I got no clue if his name is Ronnie but yeah we are looking for a car”

Guy: “500 bucks”

Me”: I can fucking buy a new car for 500bucks’

Guy: “alright 250″

Me: “now that’s some real bargaining”

Benji: “will you at least let me say a word”

Me: “now, what you got to say, we already have a deal you better think about your band and the lip ring you faggot”

Jacob: “Mom!”

Me: “oh the baby woke up, now what you’re looking ‘nut sack’ dickhead”

So we drove out of there and finally reached a motel and spent the night ,got our cars repaired and shit, it was a fine journey but it did make me feel like a fucking survivor.

The porn star That i have become.

Ever dreamt of becoming a porn star and banging bitches of special dimensions, well I don’t know about you but I have and almost made it come true.

So it happened the other day when my friend Benji Madden ( yeah the same Benji from the madden brothers from the band good charlotte) called me on the phone and told me about the porn star convention being held in the upper state where thousands of porn stars and pornography directors were showing up.
He asked me if I would like to join him, since he had two passes to the convention and was looking for a partner to join him, so I replied with a yes! Thus the plan was set and he was picking me up the next morning at 8.30.
So the day arrived and he picked me up before 8.30 and we reached the spot earlier than the convention could start, where we met several busty porn stars (bitches)  and directors.
I asked benji to introduce me to some directors as I really had penchant for busty bitches and could scarcely resist the urge, So my friend inquired the director if he were looking for some new fresh dudes to work in his upcoming movie, the director’s answer was affirmative and then Benji inquired about how much of money does a porn star make in a single clip, the director replied that it depends on the size of the pecker and satisfaction of the girl, pay ranges from 1 to 2 gs per clip and can even double up if the excitement doubles up, Benji started gaping at me like if I was going to say “no” fuck how could i say no, I wanted to be a fucking porn star, a fucking desire and now I can’t fucking back off, I could feel the erection already, then I spoke up and told the director that he would never find a guy like me even if he went on a quest to Pluto, who could fuck his busty bitches with the squeal he would never forget, the director replied that he would make a test movie on me and if I pass, I would get a chance to star in his next porn movie named “The guy who can fuck”, so he handed me his business card, the phone number of the girl that I was hooking up with and asked me to show up next morning.
That night I was feeling like 10 year old kid before Christmas, never been happier and was up all night with my eyes stuck on the wall clock, watching porn and killing time as I was finally going to become a porn star.
In the morning right the time when I was about to leave for the studio my friend benji called me again and informed me that the bitch was not medically examined and there were chances that she had some STD, first I didn’t listen to him but when I looked for the number of STDs online, I was fucking shocked, I made a call to the director and asked him if he had the girl tested, the director replied that all of his bitches are fit and none of them had any STDs, though he gave his clarification but I was still not satisfied and made a call to the bitch, she said that she hadn’t been through any medical examination in the past 2 years, I was like “what the fuck” I said “come on now that I got a chance” the bitch aint cool, I didn’t back off since I got the dick and I got the erection and none these fucking STDs can stop me from hooking up with a busty hoe and left for the studio, as I reached the studio I met the director right at the entrance and went in together talking, I went inside the bedroom where all the unit was set , the camera man was there along with the sound man and few more guys with no purpose, fucking I always dreamt o f  fucking a busty bitch alone, not in front of Some dumb dickwads fucking up the entire excitement, I asked the director what in the fucking hell were those pieces of long stinky turd doing in there, he replied that they were the key guys recording the entire movie, I was like, “come on now, I can’t fuck like that, I got standards, I just can’t fucking condescend to the level of some fucking stray dog fucking a bitch in front of the whole world”, the director replied with a negative answer, I was indomitable and there was not a soul in the fucking milky way who could keep me from the tits, after half an hour the bitch arrived and now what a see is a fucking pitch black, flat boob, curve less shopworn creature who was hardly looking of any sexual standards showing up, I was totally pissed, “come on it can’t be like a fucking dream where right at the best moment some limpdick wakes you up,fucks up the entire scene and you’re screwed exactly when you are just an inch away from success” , this is real life and I was there to fuck a pair of gargantuan boobs not a fucking boy, I fled off there neither thinking of the director nor of the bitch, fucking she was not a bitch but a fucking wall with no curves, I could have tapped the ass but it wasn’t there either, I said “screw the world, screw the porn star and screw the erection” I’m out!
Few days later I got news out of fucking nowhere that the bitch had AIDS and the director died of it! Fucking loser,well i no longer have interest in being a porn star and have deleted that word off my wishlist and finally inferred that it is far more hygienic to play with your cock in front of your pc rather than searching for a diseased zilch ass flat chest cunt! So should you! Just kidding TOOL!   SCREW THAT

When your dreams screw you and your dog!

Dreams, anyone can dream, all that you need is a head with a brain, a bigger head is a plus point (for your thoughts to meander) and a sleep for two hours or less, you can even dream without sleep but such dreams are termed as day dreams. I have dreamt all my life but all that I could ever gain is hatred and extreme disgust , I have known people who tell me that their dreams came true regardless of what they exactly were, few of those dreams included “washing a car” and “hooking up with a dog” but still at least came true, I believe I have bright qualities, nothing compares, but when it comes to dreams and making them come true am a fucking loser, for the past two years I have been planning to get into some work and end up like a winner but everywhere I go and whoever I ask for a job they just tell me that I’m just too smart for the job and they are looking for some fucking pizza delivery kid who skates off the cliffs on the weekends. Well I didn’t mean to write about myself and my entire pejorative plight.
Dreams can be just whatever, no matter what they are and how easily can come true like, I have already mentioned about a guy “hooking up with a dog”, well he was a good friend of mine until the day when he asked me “If having sex with a dog puppy would be hygienic or not”, first I got dumbstruck and then due to my resilient nature, I said “what the fuck”, we had an argument and then I kicked that mother fucker out and the very next day I heard news out of nowhere that he finally fucked a dog, I believe that I did the right job by kicking him out or he could have started eating shit too and I can’t sustain with such coons,
I know how to live without kissing a girl, I have spent a total of 15 years without kissing a girl though I look good but still I wonder what’s so bad in me that girls turn panicky every time I try to approach them and I surely do not want to die in stampedes kicked off by girls, SCREW THAT.
You must have heard, seen and experienced bully kids; I was just one of them as long as I was in school, kids used to stay frightened every time I entered the class and every time I was on the skating ramp, oh looks like I forgot to mention that I m a pro skater, I have been on ESPN once, that day I encountered an accident and broke my jaw SCREW THAT.
So dreams are like flowers “daffodils” as long as there is moisture they survive and when transpiration rate goes higher they die. The same way the dreams die, the higher the expectations are, bigger the loser you become.
There have been people with great dreams few of them also made their dreams come true, for instance, Martin Luther king who dreamt of racial harmony, his dream finally came true when Obama was elected as the president but he couldn’t survive to witness it come true, I don’t support Obama but am going to get cooler if he legalizes reefer and stuff, more information about him is beyond my gamut because am not really that close to politics the way am to porn.
I have even dreamt of becoming a porn star but they think I’m too skinny to hold a bitch on my dick and I feel the same and won’t let my dick break into two, it hurts. Though I miss my girl! HEAPS!! But the day she blocked me on myspace and on the phone, I no longer have interest in her, hooking up with a hoe is a different deal, but I make sure that am as pure as an ocean though I have some times pissed in the gulf of Mexico but no doubt they deserve this respect.
There should be hold on dreams at the times of recession, I just figured that when Microsoft kicked my friend Ron (the universal limp dick) out due to the ongoing recession, he was pissed as fuck and could have murdered me if I didn’t say “ Hey! Ron it’s me your friend”! I believe that I would have done the same at the times of recession, believe me friendship is a different deal but money is the major matter of concern, as long as you’ve got money all of your friends will hang around you like “ants around sugar”, no matter how many times you kick them, they stick around as parasites and you will feel like the luckiest guy alive and might even rush around to get your name registered in “The Guinness Book of World Records” for having the most number ultra douches around you, fucking you in the ears and screaming their ass off to be the closest to you and wander around with the Largest man boobs in the world and tell the world how cool it is to have them. SCREW THAT.

Dreaming is pretty much comparable to being an indolent, a man full of laziness can only sleep and dream of being the president and fucking with smelly goats. SCREW THAT.
So wake up,break all the mother fucking rules,fly with a joint, fuck a number of medically examined hoes. While I go and have a nap!…kidding
and don’t forget to watch out for your pets, that crazy dog fucker is still out! The loser is on a fucking spree.

How to be famous in 5 easy steps!

How to be famous in 5 easy steps!

Ever been famous “No” then you are at the right place.

1. Go online and right a number of pointless blogs on different websites full of blaspheme and emerge to be a tool among your online friends by forcefully making them read your blog for no fucking reason and ask them to comment. If they don’t, rape their pets.
2. Go and register your blog in online directories so that it will get easier for people to find you and your outlandish writings in no time. Ask girls that you meet online to go out with you if they don’t, superimpose their faces on porn pictures and make them feel like abhorrent cam whores.get a new youtube channel and make lameass videos with your doofus ass acting and try to look cute and hot however you know that  you can’t but still can give it a go,upload your unsightly face all over the internet and keep asking people “how you look” despite of the fact that you already know that you are ugly and fully conscious of your looks
3. Make a myspace page with your hideous undersexed picture as default to draw people’s attention, you can also gain popularity by sending friend requests to random-ass people with a tagged message saying that you are new online and can fuck them regardless of their gender as the day you decided to be famous you changed your orientation from gay to Bi, write few summaries of your blog in the blogspace provided by myspace, never forget to make fun of tom, people love it. Believe me it works.
   

   HANDSOME FAGGOT

4. Go to your neighbor’s house, break in and steal a healthy amount of money whenever you feel that they are not home, get a rented limo and show off later, you can rob your father too but do let him know later or he will hang around in your nightmares.
   
   

Meticulous and detailed plans can bring wonderful results with out any flaw.

5. Commit a number of heinous crimes like robbing a bank, raping old women not below the age of 81, kidnapping a number of girls and guys by luring them in, since you’re Bi , show your sexy moves and appear to be a total don Juan, however we know that you’re undersexed, later go to police, confess and guarantee that you will never do that again, they will spare your ass off if you bribe them with a little amount of money remember not over 5$ or there are chances of them to put you behind bars again to obtain a bigger amount.

That will be it and the day they set you free, you will discover that a large number of hot ebony chicks will approach you for your autograph and sooner you will be a great novelist ,a blogger and an absolute porn star and the government of united states will preserve your brain for the purpose of history classes of the great people who fucked the world in the armpit.

YOU DIG!

RENT BOY!

THE EXPLANATION OF MANLINESS

Rude thoughts among rude simple minded people usually turn me off, citing The matter I would surely like let you know about how many times and how often such thoughts piss me off, going out for shopping whenever I run out of food and stuff makes me feel weary and whacked so it does to you but you cant say no, its obvious, searching for the stuff in the mart and then arguing the obtuse simpleminded people in the queue makes me feel even pissed but after returning home and switching on the TV I feel a little relaxed but I still think of ridding of this drudgery. In the morning when I progress to the gym to work out a little, I face the same intricacy that ruins the entire day plan. Though I have an assiduous and omnipotent nature I still don’t feel like bragging and just speaking of myself only, something that only suits to hypocrites and counterfeit people. So it happened the other day when I was out to buy some stuff for my Audi where I met an old man in the queue, who dropped his coins and started picking them up off the floor, he was before me in the queue so I asked him to move out of the queue as I was willing to pay off the bill as it was tiring and I was not feeling that good than what I often feel, the old man started cussing at me like if I was raping him in public. This is how the conversation went.

Me: “Mister would you mind moving out

of  the queue am in a bit hurry”.

Old man: no reply!

Me: “I asked you something”!

Old man: “would you mind shutting your

fucking jabber mouth . Faggot”!

Me: no answer.

Old man: “cunt.”

A typical answer from a typical old dolt. Pay no mind it’s a matter of almost everyday but I can’t continue living with it. None of them feels reprehensive but at the same time can tear your dignity apart in public and you can’t do anything but to listen to their well dignified language at least that’s what they feel. This  superfluous  respect that I receive makes me feel so obliged that I sometimes feel like keeping a knife with me every time I plan on going out. I have friends not so many but still can share the feelings but I never had a chance watch them treat people the way I get treated it’s quite obscure no matter what the reason will be, the disrespect is always there and you’re pissed off the bridge.

There are so less people to appease me and so many people to screw me. The sheer level of gratification they feel while humiliating a proud citizen like me is gay on so many levels that there are hardly any possibilities for them to redeem a better a life enriched with respect and pride. I feel secure whenever am in my impervious home where none of these douche can show up and the place where I take the lead.
You must have noticed the road rage and stuff, people cussing at you as if you are the only one on the road and an obstacle of a life time, like some sort of an evil force and they are almost ready to shoot you in the crack and you try almost everything to get out of the way but the tow truck in front screws up the effort and if you honk a time or two the driver in front might look at you like you are a fucking fugitive who broke out of jail. Few months ago in a news paper I read that a man got shot in the head for not digressing the other way, all on account of road rage.

You can’t get rid of perverts but can get rid of their company, ever heard sayings like “perverts love company”,  I have and such useless ubiquitous creatures can be found almost everywhere and the only thing that they look for is “someone” that falls in their ambush and they  keep up their job of raking money off that ill-fated “someone”, don’t look at me am not that someone, In the past few years of my life I inferred that only schmucks looking for grave perils get entrapped no shit, Sherlock.

So are the rednecks no matter how many problems are there but they won’t stop screwing their goats, ever went to the national summer redneck games where thousands of fat, short, midget ass people gather around to fuck each other in the sludge and show their extra efforts to the world by riding their redneck limos, it’s pretty much counter parting the lameass International Bed race yearly held in Preston, Idaho, giving a fabulous explanation that how gay a state full of limp dicks can go, So are the women, lets place the weak girls aside, the most excellent thing that could ever happen to Idaho was the napoleon dynamite and they are still thriving over that, SCREW THAT.

On my trip back from L.A to N.Y, I met a few wet backs, two were sitting before me and one was sitting next to me. one of them asked me.

Wetback1: Que Hondas!

ME: nada!

Wetback1: Que hora es!

ME: 3 pm

Wetback1:No manches! chinga tu madre!

ME: silent.

Wetback2: Mierda! pandejo.

Me: silent.

I could have killed one of those and spent rest of my life in jail but I didn’t, I’m a genius and girls got hots for me so Screw that! Tool.

DECEMBER 21,2012 THEORY CAN BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF!!

So only 3years(days keep changing you count the days) are left for the dumbest and the lamest event to happen and people are buckling up. Soon there will be no fear of death and people will move out and start shoplifting and stuff as they are fearless already as the theories say the earth is going to end and they can make their fantasies come true like “robbing a bank”.

So there must be briefing over the theories for people’s sake so that they don’t sharpen their knives, clean their guns and buy bullets to start some riot, commit a number of felonies and get their name registered in the police department so that there won’t be any hitch for the police if they are out to catch them.
Apparently there are chances of the third world war to occur adding another event in the up coming 3 years. Well at least there must be one more world war before the end of the world, it will be cool, and won’t that be yeah I believe 55% of the obtuse population will say yes, I don’t mean it but that’s just a guess. As it continues more parties will get involved and provide the world with a newer definition of war and pain. Well a BIG NO TO WAR FROM at least my side so let’s set the war aside and carry on with end of the world theories.
I f I even count the number of theories that support the end of the world it might take me a complete day toting up and still wont reach the end, consequently giving life to propaganda and politics, the theories also lighten up the ease of death and culmination to a new generation of humans after the end of the current generation, will that be plausible.. Nope.
Video sharing websites for instance youtube, are bursting at the seams with videos regarding December 21,2012 , where the young generation is seething with agony and anguish. The agony which is lamer than the theories and the theories which are lamer than the word “lame”.
At this moment only an overflowing amount of money can help a man who loves his life rid off this dilemma. It’s really simple for people like Bill gates to find a way out when planet earth is in trouble. He can surely manage a 5 star space craft with 89 bed rooms, 3 pools, a big arcade, a horse riding coarse and a shopping mall with 5000 servants for a family of 4 with a little assistance from NASA and fly off to some other planet and can even take a trip around the planet and watch a live 3D cataclysmic TV show with his family and have fun with the strippers. Well at least he can fantasize that. While others will sleep with a pistol under their pillow wondering who they would shoot,SCREW THAT.
It’s really dramatic when they say it will be like some sort of supernatural event and it’s even more dramatic when they hook up with a hooker and catch an incurable STD and die before December 21, 2012 leaving us behind to have a moment of laughter at them when the theories prove to be a hoax.
Being of no use and spending most of the time watching old classic episodes of star trek can cause hazardous results and can even detach the hypothalamus present in the brain from the nervous system leading to nervous breakdown causing senseless thoughts conclusion of which are the end of the world theories. So screw the theories, burn a blunt,set back and relax.