Road trip
We all have cars and are pretty proud of them no matter how wrecked , shitty but we still can go to any level to protect them, so do I, but what happened last summer got me so pissed that I almost killed myself.
So it happened last summer when me and my friend Jacob were heading back home from aspen after attending a Jew birthday ceremony. On our way back on the freeway something uncanny happened, some loser kid on a hog came in front of us and I lost control over the car, in order to stop the car I had to do a 90 or we would have died in vain, the car went in to some tree and what I tasted was the fucking airbag which smelt like some diaper, something that I never expected , our car broke down and there was no repair station in the vicinity, so I just told Jacob to push the car while I sit inside to steer it till we reach some repair shop and get it repaired, he started gawking at me all dismayed like If I told him that I hooked his girl last night and said
Jacob: “man I sit inside, why don’t you push it”
Me: ” come on, it’s my car and I know how to steer it, fucking I have been doing this all my life and who the fuck are you to rule me, now go back and push” he was out of words, caved in and went back and started pushing!
Me: “what the fuck, at least let me get in, it can’t fucking steer by itself”
I was real glad watch that a dolt who never even bothered enough to pick up a remote control and change the fucking channel is pushing a 1000 pound car alone, it was going to be entertaining and so it was, after a travel of around 11.5 miles we finally reached a gas satiation and went into some restaurant named “eat at your own risk” like some fucking tool factory, I asked the lady at counter if she knew about some repair stations around as our car broke down,
Lady at the counter: “well-3second pause– nope”
I once again asked if she mistakenly said “no” now what she said totally freaked me out
Lady at the counter: “Do you want to place an order or else” this infuriated me I said
Me: “what the fuck are you talking about, you’re threatening me, you can’t just fucking start threatening people for no fucking reason, am a proud citizen of America and you can’t just fuking mess with me, I got the rights and the democracy and none of you stinky country side pricks can fuck with me, if am being gentle that’s just for a fucking reason or I would have had you run over”.
She smirked at me like if she had some sort of shot gun and was going to shoot me in the crack, she loudly said “Danny!” I looked back and searched for him in the restaurant and what I see is a giant muscular entity looking at me searing with anger and was on his way to whoop my ass, he flung me and Jacob all the way out and oh yeah during this course of time Jacob hardly had any word out of his fucking mouth.
So we parked the car right outside the restaurant and started walking down the street looking for some guy whom we could dig up some information about the repair station from, we walked on and on but couldn’t find anyone so we planned to return to the restaurant as we totally got whacked of walking and could hardly stand on our feet, we could have made some calls but fucking we were out of cell range and out of battery, we finally reached the restaurant and what we see is some douche making vulgar and offensive signs on my car with a spray can,
Me: “HEY WHAT THE FUCK”
he dropped the can and started running like if I was really going to run after him, fucking I could hardly breath how would I chase him down, I started laughing and crying at the same time, aggravation had the best of me and Jacob was peeking into the porn magazine that I picked up from the grocery store when we were leaving aspen,
Me “come on faggot when did you turn straight, I bought you some fag rag what up with that queer, go get it, it’s in the car and stop fucking with my stuff already” he looked disappointed though but again had his dick stuck in the magazine. I was feeling hungry and could scarcely resist and so I summoned up the energy and went inside to fetch something though I was not sure if Danny would bludgeon my head into the wall and make me bleed my ass off but I just couldn’t stand there with that perpetual intricacy I met, as I walked inside I found Danny right on the counter laughing on the phone “phone” “a phone” I finally found a way out, I just couldn’t stop myself and burst out laughing like if he really was going to let me use the phone,
Me: ” hey, remember me well I just came over to apologize, I shouldn’t have said that, my Bad, can I place an order and make a call, me and my friend Jacob are really whacked out and having a lot of difficulties and it’s too dark out there, we are not used to such situation so would you”.
He started laughing and pointing finger at me like if I was a goddamn joke” I punched him in the face despite of the fact that I was exhausted, well I can’t just listen to shit and watch people laughing at me heartlessly, then he and some other guys probably from the kitchen started beating the fuck out of me and threw me into some big trashcan with all the profanity this planet could ever experience and I was so screwed that I didn’t have the liveliness to move out and stayed in there for almost like two hours screaming “Jacob’s name time after time, my mouth almost dried the fuck out and then he finally came over enjoying the scene, smiling,
Jacob: ” man, I told you don’t mess with people in the country side they aint no good, now get out and get going”
Me: ” where the fuck had you been scumbag, I have been in here for the past 2 hours, had you been hooking up with those dickwads ” and then what he said faded all the confidence I had in him,
Jacob: “well, I don’t know why they are hating on you, they are pretty nice people, gave me dinner, that phone is a fucking intercom that you had your ass beat up for and now am planning to sleep, had you been nice to them then they won’t have beaten you up, it’s all your fault don’t fucking blame me for no fucking cause loser” I finally dragged my ass out with a little help from Jacob and some how managed to get to the car and looked into the rear view mirror and what I see is a fuking blemish on my face “a fucking inspiration that I should have a plastic surgery”,
Me:”man this is the worst journey I’ve ever been on, the moment I move out of this torture I would go nirvana, that’s it no more fucking, no more weeds, no more cussing, it’s sick, ya dig screw that the moment I move out am heading to a fucking strip club and fucking bang a bitch”!
Jacob : ” yeah me too but how we ridding of this misery man, am totally whacked, had there been some Budweiser the night would be fun”
Me: “listen up faggot, just because am talking to you doesn’t mean that am your friend anymore, you dissed me all the way in front of those clowns, the moment I rid of
this wretchedness am surely moving my way on my car without you, you hear me dickhead” so we spent the night talking and eventually fell asleep.
Ultimately the sun rose and I woke up before Jacob and started looking around to find some AD- boards or a signs of a repair shop, I woke Jacob up and asked him to help me find it, he was sorry about what he did to me the other night so due to my kind nature I forgave him, consequently I had my ass in the car and asked him to push it, we continued moving for almost 50 miles yeah “50 miles” and we found some arrow indicating the left direction, we looked left and what we see is a “strip club”
Me: “what the fuck, a fucking mirage, hey j look do you see what I see”
Jacob: ” yeah it’s a strip club”
Me: “what the fuck is a strip club doing over here in a deserted place that even lacks the fucking basic necessities, lets have a look” we walked towards the strip club and stood around the door way since I was feeling a bit dubious that It could be some ghostly place I asked Jacob to walk inside “hey j what are you waiting for engraved invitation, walk in” Jacob a bit frightened said ” fuck you man” and walked in, all of a sudden he came out running and said ” hey man it’s a fucking party time come on in” I cheerfully said “that’s my j” and rushed inside and what I see is a busty bitch with Jacob,
Jacob: “come on it’s a fun run, am really enjoying the girl, come on get one for yourself too”
Me: “sure but first I need some thing to eat” and swiftly grabbed some bear and cheetos. Cheetos and beer was all they had and that’s what I was looking for, after having the meal I jumped off the chair and quickly grabbed a bitch and the fun had started, well I didn’t know that it was a fucking certified fuck centre, the bitch pulled me to a room and said “is that bald guy your friend”
Me: “yup his name is Jacob”
Bitch: “is anything wrong with him?”
Me: ” yeah, he is a fucking faggot, how you got to know that guy is a fucking moron” Bitch: “well, he came to me and asked if this is a strip club, I said yes and he started touching my boobs recklessly like if I got no respect”
Me: “I have known this guy all my life and I figured that he is a fucking douche, I can’t even shit without him taking interest, you are fast at reckoning, had I reckoned this earlier I would have chucked him out years ago, well lets start off what we came over for, you hear me girl”
Bitch “alright” but out of the blue I realized that it was a deserted place and the bitch could charge more for the service
Me: ” hey! How much do you charge, I usually pay 25 bucks for a night in NY”
Bitch: “molly! That’s so less I charge 100 bucks for a night, how do they manage with such less amount in a state like NY” I really had penchant for the bitch and some how coped the situation,
Me: “it’s ohk now get naked”
Bitch: “oh my god! That pecker is so tiny, the smallest” and started laughing at me,
Me: “so tiny! What the fuck you mean by so small, where you from the wholly mammoths, my dick is 11inch long aint that big enough for a hoe like you why you all start laughing at me”
Bitch: “the longest that I’ve seen was 25″
Me: “what the fuck, now bend down, have some doggy style” and before we could start I heard some guy knocking on the door, Great! It’s Jacob,
Jacob: “hey, it’s time to leave” Me “huh! Man we haven’t even started yet; you’re done already come on now!”
Jacob: “It’s getting dark already and I don’t wanna spend another night without shelter, you know am not used to that”
Me: “fuck you man” and put my clothes back on and opened the door. So we walked to the lobby and now what I see at the counter, it’s my friend Benji.. Yeah “Benji madden” from the band good charlotte”
Me:”hey,bro wat up with you in ere”
Benji: ” man my car broke down, saw this strip club, decided to join the fun, what are you guys doing down here”
Me: “man it’s the same story with us, our car broke down and we have been pushing it around since yesterday morning, you got a cell phone or something” Benji “yeah I just made a call to the car repair station, they must getting in ere in an hour or two, so enjoyed the girls”
Me: “no fucking way man Jacob screwed the fun, now aint feeling no fun, this bitches aint cool either, you know the charge for a night its fucking 100bucks I never paid that much and surely aint gonna pay even if shes the last hoe on the planet”
Benji: “ha ha ha , yeah right, so you guys aint drinking when did you quit”
Me: “I drank enough around 5 gallons why don’t you try some it’s a special from a deserted countryside, It’s fun even better than absinth”
Benji: “really ima try”
Jacob: “it’s getting dark man”
Me: “fuck the night faggot”, eventually hours passed and none the car repair vans showed up , so we parked the cars outside the club as none of us had balls enough to drag them both and planned to walk for 10 more miles , Jacob took some beer and cheetos for the way and almost knocked the fuck out on the road so I had to drag him along or he would have been left and am not that cruel, we walked on and on and on and reached some zany spot named “we serve you better” I wondered “what do they serve” and went to counter and said “hey what is this place for, what you guys serve” guy on the counter looked into my eyes like If I was a fucking mugger and loudly said “everything is yours” and hid under the counter,
Me: “what the fuck! Do I look like a fucking thief, what are you actually trying to prove” guy on the counter swiftly moved out of the hiding,
Guy at the counter: “hello, sir welcome to McDonalds im lovin it!” Me “what the fuck”this place aint McDonalds it’s a fucking brothel, I know how does a McDonald look, you’re a fucking poser”
Guy at the counter: “you sir are wrong, it is a McDonald, since hardly any customer shows up down here we have taken all the advertisement boards off the shop and sold them in a fucking backyard sale along with my grandma’s panties”
Me: “really you telling the truth”
Guy at the counter: “right, can I take your order”
Me:”nah, none of us is hungry, we already had enough, is there any place where we can get a rented car or something”
Guy at the counter: “sure, there is a guy who gives cars on rent, you guys seem strangers but ima help you guys coz after years I have seen some customers or at least close to customers as you guys bought nothing”
Me: “we aint hungry man”
Guy at the counter: “alright” and picked up the phone and made a call to the guy who gave cars on hire.
Guy at the counter: “hey there, some guys over here looking for a car on rent, am sending them help ‘em out, you here me”
Guy on the phone: “sure send em’ over”
Guy at the counter put the phone down and said “go two blocks ahead, he’s gonna be there with the car”
Me: “and how long are these two blocks”
Guy at the counter: “around a mile or over, have a nice journey see you guys later”
Me: “later nah”
We left the place, Jacob was still not up so I had to carry him around on my shoulder and after a walk of almost 1.5 miles we ultimately reached the guy,
Me: “you the guy who gives cars on rent, right”
Guy: “you the guys that Ronnie told me about”
Me “well, I got no clue if his name is Ronnie but yeah we are looking for a car”
Guy: “500 bucks”
Me”: I can fucking buy a new car for 500bucks’
Guy: “alright 250″
Me: “now that’s some real bargaining”
Benji: “will you at least let me say a word”
Me: “now, what you got to say, we already have a deal you better think about your band and the lip ring you faggot”
Jacob: “Mom!”
Me: “oh the baby woke up, now what you’re looking ‘nut sack’ dickhead”
So we drove out of there and finally reached a motel and spent the night ,got our cars repaired and shit, it was a fine journey but it did make me feel like a fucking survivor.
The porn star That i have become.
Ever dreamt of becoming a porn star and banging bitches of special dimensions, well I don’t know about you but I have and almost made it come true.
So it happened the other day when my friend Benji Madden ( yeah the same Benji from the madden brothers from the band good charlotte) called me on the phone and told me about the porn star convention being held in the upper state where thousands of porn stars and pornography directors were showing up.
He asked me if I would like to join him, since he had two passes to the convention and was looking for a partner to join him, so I replied with a yes! Thus the plan was set and he was picking me up the next morning at 8.30.
So the day arrived and he picked me up before 8.30 and we reached the spot earlier than the convention could start, where we met several busty porn stars (bitches) and directors.
I asked benji to introduce me to some directors as I really had penchant for busty bitches and could scarcely resist the urge, So my friend inquired the director if he were looking for some new fresh dudes to work in his upcoming movie, the director’s answer was affirmative and then Benji inquired about how much of money does a porn star make in a single clip, the director replied that it depends on the size of the pecker and satisfaction of the girl, pay ranges from 1 to 2 gs per clip and can even double up if the excitement doubles up, Benji started gaping at me like if I was going to say “no” fuck how could i say no, I wanted to be a fucking porn star, a fucking desire and now I can’t fucking back off, I could feel the erection already, then I spoke up and told the director that he would never find a guy like me even if he went on a quest to Pluto, who could fuck his busty bitches with the squeal he would never forget, the director replied that he would make a test movie on me and if I pass, I would get a chance to star in his next porn movie named “The guy who can fuck”, so he handed me his business card, the phone number of the girl that I was hooking up with and asked me to show up next morning.
That night I was feeling like 10 year old kid before Christmas, never been happier and was up all night with my eyes stuck on the wall clock, watching porn and killing time as I was finally going to become a porn star.
In the morning right the time when I was about to leave for the studio my friend benji called me again and informed me that the bitch was not medically examined and there were chances that she had some STD, first I didn’t listen to him but when I looked for the number of STDs online, I was fucking shocked, I made a call to the director and asked him if he had the girl tested, the director replied that all of his bitches are fit and none of them had any STDs, though he gave his clarification but I was still not satisfied and made a call to the bitch, she said that she hadn’t been through any medical examination in the past 2 years, I was like “what the fuck” I said “come on now that I got a chance” the bitch aint cool, I didn’t back off since I got the dick and I got the erection and none these fucking STDs can stop me from hooking up with a busty hoe and left for the studio, as I reached the studio I met the director right at the entrance and went in together talking, I went inside the bedroom where all the unit was set , the camera man was there along with the sound man and few more guys with no purpose, fucking I always dreamt o f fucking a busty bitch alone, not in front of Some dumb dickwads fucking up the entire excitement, I asked the director what in the fucking hell were those pieces of long stinky turd doing in there, he replied that they were the key guys recording the entire movie, I was like, “come on now, I can’t fuck like that, I got standards, I just can’t fucking condescend to the level of some fucking stray dog fucking a bitch in front of the whole world”, the director replied with a negative answer, I was indomitable and there was not a soul in the fucking milky way who could keep me from the tits, after half an hour the bitch arrived and now what a see is a fucking pitch black, flat boob, curve less shopworn creature who was hardly looking of any sexual standards showing up, I was totally pissed, “come on it can’t be like a fucking dream where right at the best moment some limpdick wakes you up,fucks up the entire scene and you’re screwed exactly when you are just an inch away from success” , this is real life and I was there to fuck a pair of gargantuan boobs not a fucking boy, I fled off there neither thinking of the director nor of the bitch, fucking she was not a bitch but a fucking wall with no curves, I could have tapped the ass but it wasn’t there either, I said “screw the world, screw the porn star and screw the erection” I’m out!
Few days later I got news out of fucking nowhere that the bitch had AIDS and the director died of it! Fucking loser,well i no longer have interest in being a porn star and have deleted that word off my wishlist and finally inferred that it is far more hygienic to play with your cock in front of your pc rather than searching for a diseased zilch ass flat chest cunt! So should you! Just kidding TOOL! SCREW THAT
Dreams, anyone can dream, all that you need is a head with a brain, a bigger head is a plus point (for your thoughts to meander) and a sleep for two hours or less, you can even dream without sleep but such dreams are termed as day dreams. I have dreamt all my life but all that I could ever gain is hatred and extreme disgust , I have known people who tell me that their dreams came true regardless of what they exactly were, few of those dreams included “washing a car” and “hooking up with a dog” but still at least came true, I believe I have bright qualities, nothing compares, but when it comes to dreams and making them come true am a fucking loser, for the past two years I have been planning to get into some work and end up like a winner but everywhere I go and whoever I ask for a job they just tell me that I’m just too smart for the job and they are looking for some fucking pizza delivery kid who skates off the cliffs on the weekends. Well I didn’t mean to write about myself and my entire pejorative plight.
Dreams can be just whatever, no matter what they are and how easily can come true like, I have already mentioned about a guy “hooking up with a dog”, well he was a good friend of mine until the day when he asked me “If having sex with a dog puppy would be hygienic or not”, first I got dumbstruck and then due to my resilient nature, I said “what the fuck”, we had an argument and then I kicked that mother fucker out and the very next day I heard news out of nowhere that he finally fucked a dog, I believe that I did the right job by kicking him out or he could have started eating shit too and I can’t sustain with such coons,
I know how to live without kissing a girl, I have spent a total of 15 years without kissing a girl though I look good but still I wonder what’s so bad in me that girls turn panicky every time I try to approach them and I surely do not want to die in stampedes kicked off by girls, SCREW THAT.
You must have heard, seen and experienced bully kids; I was just one of them as long as I was in school, kids used to stay frightened every time I entered the class and every time I was on the skating ramp, oh looks like I forgot to mention that I m a pro skater, I have been on ESPN once, that day I encountered an accident and broke my jaw SCREW THAT.
So dreams are like flowers “daffodils” as long as there is moisture they survive and when transpiration rate goes higher they die. The same way the dreams die, the higher the expectations are, bigger the loser you become.
There have been people with great dreams few of them also made their dreams come true, for instance, Martin Luther king who dreamt of racial harmony, his dream finally came true when Obama was elected as the president but he couldn’t survive to witness it come true, I don’t support Obama but am going to get cooler if he legalizes reefer and stuff, more information about him is beyond my gamut because am not really that close to politics the way am to porn.
I have even dreamt of becoming a porn star but they think I’m too skinny to hold a bitch on my dick and I feel the same and won’t let my dick break into two, it hurts. Though I miss my girl! HEAPS!! But the day she blocked me on myspace and on the phone, I no longer have interest in her, hooking up with a hoe is a different deal, but I make sure that am as pure as an ocean though I have some times pissed in the gulf of Mexico but no doubt they deserve this respect.
There should be hold on dreams at the times of recession, I just figured that when Microsoft kicked my friend Ron (the universal limp dick) out due to the ongoing recession, he was pissed as fuck and could have murdered me if I didn’t say “ Hey! Ron it’s me your friend”! I believe that I would have done the same at the times of recession, believe me friendship is a different deal but money is the major matter of concern, as long as you’ve got money all of your friends will hang around you like “ants around sugar”, no matter how many times you kick them, they stick around as parasites and you will feel like the luckiest guy alive and might even rush around to get your name registered in “The Guinness Book of World Records” for having the most number ultra douches around you, fucking you in the ears and screaming their ass off to be the closest to you and wander around with the Largest man boobs in the world and tell the world how cool it is to have them. SCREW THAT.
Dreaming is pretty much comparable to being an indolent, a man full of laziness can only sleep and dream of being the president and fucking with smelly goats. SCREW THAT.
So wake up,break all the mother fucking rules,fly with a joint, fuck a number of medically examined hoes. While I go and have a nap!…kidding
and don’t forget to watch out for your pets, that crazy dog fucker is still out! The loser is on a fucking spree.
Rude thoughts among rude simple minded people usually turn me off, citing The matter I would surely like let you know about how many times and how often such thoughts piss me off, going out for shopping whenever I run out of food and stuff makes me feel weary and whacked so it does to you but you cant say no, its obvious, searching for the stuff in the mart and then arguing the obtuse simpleminded people in the queue makes me feel even pissed but after returning home and switching on the TV I feel a little relaxed but I still think of ridding of this drudgery. In the morning when I progress to the gym to work out a little, I face the same intricacy that ruins the entire day plan. Though I have an assiduous and omnipotent nature I still don’t feel like bragging and just speaking of myself only, something that only suits to hypocrites and counterfeit people. So it happened the other day when I was out to buy some stuff for my Audi where I met an old man in the queue, who dropped his coins and started picking them up off the floor, he was before me in the queue so I asked him to move out of the queue as I was willing to pay off the bill as it was tiring and I was not feeling that good than what I often feel, the old man started cussing at me like if I was raping him in public. This is how the conversation went.
Me: “Mister would you mind moving out
of the queue am in a bit hurry”.
Old man: no reply!
Me: “I asked you something”!
Old man: “would you mind shutting your
fucking jabber mouth . Faggot”!
Me: no answer.
Old man: “cunt.”
A typical answer from a typical old dolt. Pay no mind it’s a matter of almost everyday but I can’t continue living with it. None of them feels reprehensive but at the same time can tear your dignity apart in public and you can’t do anything but to listen to their well dignified language at least that’s what they feel. This superfluous respect that I receive makes me feel so obliged that I sometimes feel like keeping a knife with me every time I plan on going out. I have friends not so many but still can share the feelings but I never had a chance watch them treat people the way I get treated it’s quite obscure no matter what the reason will be, the disrespect is always there and you’re pissed off the bridge.
There are so less people to appease me and so many people to screw me. The sheer level of gratification they feel while humiliating a proud citizen like me is gay on so many levels that there are hardly any possibilities for them to redeem a better a life enriched with respect and pride. I feel secure whenever am in my impervious home where none of these douche can show up and the place where I take the lead.
You must have noticed the road rage and stuff, people cussing at you as if you are the only one on the road and an obstacle of a life time, like some sort of an evil force and they are almost ready to shoot you in the crack and you try almost everything to get out of the way but the tow truck in front screws up the effort and if you honk a time or two the driver in front might look at you like you are a fucking fugitive who broke out of jail. Few months ago in a news paper I read that a man got shot in the head for not digressing the other way, all on account of road rage.
You can’t get rid of perverts but can get rid of their company, ever heard sayings like “perverts love company”, I have and such useless ubiquitous creatures can be found almost everywhere and the only thing that they look for is “someone” that falls in their ambush and they keep up their job of raking money off that ill-fated “someone”, don’t look at me am not that someone, In the past few years of my life I inferred that only schmucks looking for grave perils get entrapped no shit, Sherlock.
So are the rednecks no matter how many problems are there but they won’t stop screwing their goats, ever went to the national summer redneck games where thousands of fat, short, midget ass people gather around to fuck each other in the sludge and show their extra efforts to the world by riding their redneck limos, it’s pretty much counter parting the lameass International Bed race yearly held in Preston, Idaho, giving a fabulous explanation that how gay a state full of limp dicks can go, So are the women, lets place the weak girls aside, the most excellent thing that could ever happen to Idaho was the napoleon dynamite and they are still thriving over that, SCREW THAT.
On my trip back from L.A to N.Y, I met a few wet backs, two were sitting before me and one was sitting next to me. one of them asked me.
Wetback1: Que Hondas!
ME: nada!
Wetback1: Que hora es!
ME: 3 pm
Wetback1:No manches! chinga tu madre!
ME: silent.
Wetback2: Mierda! pandejo.
Me: silent.
I could have killed one of those and spent rest of my life in jail but I didn’t, I’m a genius and girls got hots for me so Screw that! Tool.
