Girlfriends, every guy wants a girlfriend, so did I, I have spent around 15 years without kissing a girl and later when I found one, I dumped her the very same day, I just couldn’t figure why! But afterward I concluded that their cranky self-righteous attitude is totally intolerable and I better off without a hag screaming in my ears about what she likes and what not!

Guys are all set to give arms away for busty girls but they never bother to understand that how doleful their lives will become once they go out with these hags. You better follow me and how I coped up this situation so easily!

So it happened the other day when I was at the grocery store looking for a dishwasher liquid bottle when I met this chubby busty hag “Amy”, she was looking for the same and unfortunately there was only one left on the rack so I quickly grabbed it and the hag started bitching and moaning that she saw it first, as am a generous gentleman I showed a little respect an let her take it, she chuckled at me and my dick instantly updated me that “it’s time to go bang -bang” so I started a flirt kinda conversation with her and ended by taking her address and her phone number.

Later that day, I received a phone call from her.

Amy: “hey, it’s Amy, the grocery store girl. Remember”

Me: “hey, how are you? Yeah I do remember”.

Amy: “well am really pissed about my dad”

Me: “your dad, huh? What happened?”

Amy: “I told him about you and he got mad at me.”

Me: “about me, what are you talking about?”

Amy: “I told him that I like you and want to date you”

Me:  “really you want to date me, that’s cool”

Amy: “but what about my dad”

Me: “ignore that old fart, Ima look into what’s wrong with him”

Amy: “alright, tomorrow evening at 7,

Me: “sure”.

So the next day’s evening I showed up at her home and knocked the door a time or two

Her dad opened the door; he was lardass undersexed midget with big eyes.

Me: “Is Amy home?”

Midget: “no, she’s not home, May I ask you, how do you know her?”

Me: “I met her at the grocery store, I must commend she’s a cool girl, and we have planned to hang out tonight.”

Than out of nowhere I hear Amy’s voice.

Amy: “Dad! dinner is ready.”

I knew that faggot was lying to me but I didn’t say a word as I really wanted to bang that hag and I could barely suppress the urge.

Me: “hey, Amy how are you?”

Amy: “chillin’ as always, what about you?”

Me: “I’m just fine..fine.”

Midget: “hey why don’t you dine with us tonight?”

Amy: “Dad we have already planned to hang out tonight.”

Midget: “but it’s already late.”

The midget was feeling a bit dubious as he saw me gape at his daughter’s boobs.

The hag didn’t listen to him and sat in my car, I drove her out of there straight away.

On the way I asked her.

Me: “so where are we going anyway?”

Amy: “haven’t dined at a Chinese restaurant in like forever.”

Poor cunt, I can go there eleven times a day and can also smack a punch in the face of the manager regardless how much of money he makes.

Me: “sure”.

So we reached the restaurant in no time.

I got out of the car and like an ideal gentleman I opened the car door for her, that hag probably took around a total of 5 minutes to get out of the car, if she were not busty I would have cussed at her.

We reached the counter, the hag said

Amy: “you go sit, I will be there in a minute, I gotta make a phone call”

Me: “I got a cell phone.”

Amy: “no, it’s private.”

Private! What does she mean private?, she’s already giving attitude like if I ain’t no shit

I could slap her five across to the eyes but my cock always holds me back.

Me: “alright”

And went in and took a seat.

Like around after 5 minutes she showed up.

Me: who were you talking to?

Amy: “(seething) it’s none of your business?”

Me: silent.

Then the waiter showed up and handed a menu to the hag it was the only one that he had, so I had to wait before she could order, that hag looked into the menu like if it was a fucking porn clip, took around 2 minutes and couldn’t order anything, so she handed it to me.

I looked into it and there was hardly anything palatable that didn’t include shrimp in it and said.

Me: “is there anything that doesn’t include shrimp?”

The waiter was a diehard Chinese and could hardly comprehend this foreign language.

Waiter: “(pause for 3 seconds) sir, me no English well, please manager”

(The ultimate attempt that I made to decode

what he actually meant was “im a dim-witted

Chinese, please sock one in the manager for

hiring me”)

It was already getting late and I didn’t have time to go and argue the obtuse manager since I knew that manager was even worse.

So I just unwillingly ordered salt baked shrimps by pointing at it on the menu.

The hag started talking about everything lame, and was totally pissing me off and I was looking for the waiter so that I could finish quick and get my arms on her boobs.

Me: “so”.

Amy: “so, hey can you wait for a minute? I gotta go to the restroom.”

Me: “ohk!”

I started playing with the chopsticks while she was in the restroom and she took plenty of time, the waiter served the shrimp but she was still not back, she finally shows up.

Me: “hey! You took real long.”

She smiles…

5 minutes later.

Amy: “hey can you wait…I will be back”

Me: (reluctantly) “o..h..k!”

And in like 15 minutes she went to the restroom for around 12 times like a fucking piss factory.

I have already mentioned that I’m short tempered and such things turn me off

Me: “hey! What’s wrong with you, am not here to watch you go to the restroom again and again.”

Amy: “what do you mean, how come you tell me what’s right and what’s not, you can’t fucking rule me, how dare you boss me?”

Wow hag. An exclusive speech on civil/democratic rights like if I care.

This infuriated me but, I didn’t say a word and decided to teach the hag a lesson on “how to get dumped?”

I pretended to be normal and continued talking to her about everything.

I finished my dinner, went close to her and put my fingers down my throat; puked it all over her face with the nastiest of the stink I could ever summon and gave her a shower of a life time she will never forget, she tried to hit me but I’m stronger and could control her well and gave her a chop right on the boobs.

Me: “chubby fat fugly ass whore! aww is that it? You slimy fat douche with wrinkles on your 5000 pound ass! Lazy scum on earth. People like u don’t work and just sit depositing fat up their ass fucking ignorant elephant a fucking prehistoric creature. Diabetic skid mark on my underwear, methane gas container, steaming pile of shit, anal slut, folded body mass of a hippo. I wanna puke in your face oh I already did hoe.  You are the fattest and the ugliest peace of warm methane that airs with redundant fat imported from the Chubbers Island, get a life hag.”

I covered my face with the napkin paper and fled off there rapidly as I knew that people around could take a proper action against me and I didn’t want to go to jail.

I jumped in my car and drove off..

At least I got a chance to put my hand on her boobs though it was a chop.

It was a fun date at least for me

I’m still dating girls and the day I find another supercilious hag like her, am surely gonna repeat the puke process.  WORD!

Screw that

Ya Dig!

HAMMER THY NEIGHBOR AND LOVE THYSELF

I really have no clue that why every one wants to piss me off, I am happy alone and I don’t want them and their nosey ass, am sick of it but am sure if today they give up, they are surely going to show up tomorrow morning with their repulsive apologetic face and ask for my car for the reason that their car broke down and they want to go hangout with their hags, so why not fool me and take my car along. I have let them take my car several times and 10 out of 20 times I found my car stalled on a tow truck at the freeway, I usually don’t say a word because I follow the saying “Love thy neighbor” but what happened the other day I can never forget.

So it happened last Monday when I was watching porn as usual in my drawing room when my neighbor Ray showed up at my porch and started talking to me through the window.

Ray: “hey! What’s up?”

Me: “nothing much just spending a lazy day watching spiritual videos! What are you up to?”

Ray: “nothing! Me and my girl are just planning to hang out but our car broke down so can I take your car? we will be back before 5.”

Me: “man I just gave you the car not even a week ago and you stalled it out in the middle of the highway, man I had to push it back home and it fucking whacked me out!”

Ray: “I assure you, it ain’t gonna happen again. That day I did hella LSD so was trippin’ real hard!”.

Me: “nope!”

Ray: “come on man, it ain’t gonna happen. WORD!”

Me: (in a bit pissed mood) “ohk!”

‘I opened up the window pain and dropped the key in his hand, sat back and kept up with the porn. Around after 2 hours I received a phone call, its Ray’

Ray: “hey! your car broke down here, come and take it! “

Me: “where?”

Ray: “here on the freeway!”

Me: “what? But how?”

Ray: “I don’t know but it stalled out on the way, am leaving it here so come over and take it.

I’m short tempered and this really turned me off”

Me: “hey just wait there, am heading your way!”

Ray: “Alright”

‘I went to my room and took my grandpa’s baseball bat, got on my bike and reached there in no time!’

Ray: “am glad you are here man, can I take your bike?!”

I looked into the car and found that the parking break was on and he drove around 25 miles with the breaks on and that was probably the reason why my car broke down.

Ray: hey! What took you so long?

I just couldn’t stand there to listen to his crap and socked one in his sternum, kicked his crotch so hard that he peed and bludgeoned his head into the car, he was all the way knocked out on the ground.

Then his cranky hag started screeching on me and hitting me with her spongy arms like if I really was going to pay attention to her, I smacked one on her head and landed a flying drop kick in her saggy ovaries; she perhaps passed out, I didn’t check.

Some faggot was passing by and saw me doing that, so he took a mighty step and tried to stop me.

Faggot : “hey! How dare you hit a girl!”

Me: “faggot!”

and gave him a sweet chin music (kick) and broke his teeth all the way out! He was down BLEEDING HIS ASS OFF; but that shit made me feel exhausted, so I just sat inside the car, had some beer and called a tow truck to take my car back home and finally reached my home after like 4 hours. And then I did what I do best and that’s watching porn! The next day I heard some guy knocking my door, its ray!

Ray: “hey! Am really sorry for the other day, can I take your car!?”

GUESS WHAT TOOL

ITS

BATTING TIME!!

YA DIG?

They are really worried about their profile layout and spend precious hours in searching for them; they love their myspace more than their family and can even move out to spend a great life with their new date that’s their myspace profile, I have had myspace addict friends who used to ask me how they could make myspace layouts. Conversation went as below

Myspace addict: “yo, how can I make a kickass myspace layout of my own with great features like automatic replies to comments, my 3D ultra photoshoped HD QUALITY pictures, my update of every second, my cock for people to play with, visitors counter, tweaks and cheats, site map, ultra version of the classic limited edition star trek shock wave flash video game, and a lot more!”

ME: “did you do your homework?”

Myspace addict: “nope!”

ME: “did you call 911 when your mom was choking to death?”

Myspace addict: “nope!”

ME: “did you update your myspace?”

Myspace addict: “yup sure!”

ME: “did you go to the douche reunion lately?”

Myspace addict: “Umm..yup! But how do you know?”

ME: ( aggressively pointing a fork at him) “Get out of my house right now,  you cock or ima call the police!”

Myspace addict: “you mad at me?”

ME: (stabbing his right butt cheek with the fork) “No why would I be? Fag!”
I know I did the right job so should you and let’s just hope these faggots don’t breed Lets make special rules for all of these myspace additcts!

1. Every citizen should be equipped with a taser to instantly paralyze such myspace addicts if seen, who will later be dealt with under correctional facilities.
2. person accused for breeding myspace addicts will be impeached to the most atrocious limits including “castration or mercy killing”
3. such wankers should be stripped off their rights and dropped off the Niagara falls with their portrayed myspace profile picture tied around their necks and an internet connection up their ass.
4. Delete their myspace profiles.
5. That’s it.

Though you are 50 years old and still have a myspace  but make sure that your child is not a myspace addict or any close to the vicinity of the word “myspace addict”, If your kid shows any sign of an addict, ground him for life, beat him, tell him that he is worthless, put him on work and take a large part of his income for your weeds and stuff,make them commit felonies so he will eventually go to jail, make him feel like you have never been angrier, m sure he is going to quit either myspace or living with you, anyway if he quits myspace, definitely one day he will come into sight as a great personality perfect for noble award, the way am going to receive a noble award sooner for being the most intelligent person alive! Screw that TOOL!

YA DIG?

© 2009 The Best Blog in the Universe

Tips for girls that look like guys and for chubby women on fashion and how to get a Boyfriend!

Are you sure you look good, how many times do you look in the mirror and try to find the smallest blemish in your face, this might take a complete day gazing in the mirror like if it is a fucking magic mirror, well this might sound incisive but the truth is harsh!

So we start off the scratch!

I know women and girls can go to just any height to look good no matter how horrible and hideous they are, staying pretty is their foremost duty than just anything else, this includes breathing as well, spending ours in cosmetic stores makes them weary but they never cave in, if applying stuff and wearing over hundred layers of make up still don’t contribute any raise to their beauty and make them even uglier they head to the plastic surgeon.

So here are few tips for women who look like men.

Well the feature that counts the most is the face, always shave never forget to put a complete bowl full of foam on your face and shave it all the way through in one go repeat the process for at least 25 times, apply a bottle full of after shave and can even mix it in the bath tub which can later be used after you wax a ton of pubic hair off your body, now you must be wondering hair all over the body. Weird!  It’s true! Girls that look like guys have special features for instance “curly pubic hair all over the body”

After the bath, gargle with a glass full of dishwasher liquid to get rid of that horse voice,wear not less than 25 layers of make up, it must be directly proportional to the number of times you shave, try to hide the moustache line however it’s shaved but it’s quite apparent that you have shaved, if you have short hair, as a majority of guy-girls fail to grow long hair, wear a wig but not blonde if your skin is supper tanned this goes for black girls too, talk like you really are a girl oh yeah you are a girl ,wear skirts instead of pants to make sure that people find you a girl not a she male or a man but your legs must not be hairy this grosses out people easily, keep pulling the skirt up every time you see a guy around you( ignore this, if your legs are chubby!), try to look cute and sexually attractive but not like a boy , cat walk the way models walk on ramps not like a fucking raccoon, never approach a guy first or he might find you as a faggot looking for a gay partner there are chances that he will flee off, stand your ground and make sure that you are not looking like a guy by gaping into the hand mirror time after time, never forget to take the make up stuff with you and use it right when you feel that some guy is looking at you regardless of what he is actually thinking, if he continues looking at you for over 5 minutes start looking into his eyes and pull your skirt all the way up and keep a part of your sight on his cock, if it looks a bit protruding, you are done, get closer and initiate the conversation with him, during the conversation do question about his orientation and make sure that he didn’t find you a guy and fantasize a gay night with you, if not then go out with him, date him for a month or two, but never drag him to the bed because he is ultimately going to get freaked out so why should we let this happen, yup later try to make him feel like you are cheating on him with your brother, yup brother because there is scarcely any probability that you will get another guy to fall in your trap, screw himself all the way up and get himself deported to gay island, so your brother will be the perfect option to cheat on your so called boyfriend… if none of these tips works out, lash out on me in an email..

Here are some make up tips for whopping girls and women

Since you are monstrous, we know nobody likes you and you spend most of the time drooling over the food in the kitchen, all appalled about your body’s extraordinary size that’s not smaller than a fucking tow truck, you spend ages in the room and turn out to be an obnoxious fat emo and lock yourself up in the bath room time after time, you really need to calm down, if it’s not working out in real life, it’s about time to go online, make a new account on myspace. Yup! new not the older one because everyone out there has the consciousness about your real self and how ugly you are, on your new myspace profile enter your name as sexy sassy or sexy bitch or whatever but it must contain the word sexy, never use your real name so that your other friends don’t find you and reveal your reality to your newly found victims. Use a porn picture rather than your own pic as the default of your profile this is just for the effect  but upload your special photoshoped pictures that make you look like a skinny cam whore “absolutely ready to fuck”  in the picture section of your profile, dare to go out and buy tons of make up and a webcam , use the webcam when you think the guy is dumb and won’t figure that you are fat and hideous, increase the contrast and the brightness so that you look white but not sick and hide all the blemishes on your face, always touch your boobs and run your arms around your pussy to make the conversation  more sex oriented, blow kisses and keep asking him if he really likes you or not and you’re hot. If he says no then keep asking him until he changes his views, finally gets depressed and calls you hot that’s it, never go out with anyone you meet online because certainly he will run off.

Here are tips on how to get your pictures taken.

1. The restroom is the best place to get your pictures snapped.
2. Wear make up enough to cover your bulging cheeks.
3. apply a little lipstick, do not apply red lipstick because fat girls look like clowns with red lipstick it’s the truth try it out sometimes, you’re gonna quit lipstick that day and on
4. Apply a lot of mascara and look a bit like fat emo and wear emo goggles.
5. Never forget to make hand gestures while taking pictures, hands gesture add an extra feature to the pic, the observer will look more at the hand gesture than your body and face, this way you can easily conceal your chubbiness and ugliness at the same time.
6. Never wear pants, we already know that you can’t but never even think of  trying it anyhow, screw that

YA DIG?