HAMMER THY NEIGHBOR AND LOVE THYSELF

I really have no clue that why every one wants to piss me off, I am happy alone and I don’t want them and their nosey ass, am sick of it but am sure if today they give up, they are surely going to show up tomorrow morning with their repulsive apologetic face and ask for my car for the reason that their car broke down and they want to go hangout with their hags, so why not fool me and take my car along. I have let them take my car several times and 10 out of 20 times I found my car stalled on a tow truck at the freeway, I usually don’t say a word because I follow the saying “Love thy neighbor” but what happened the other day I can never forget.

So it happened last Monday when I was watching porn as usual in my drawing room when my neighbor Ray showed up at my porch and started talking to me through the window.

Ray: “hey! What’s up?”

Me: “nothing much just spending a lazy day watching spiritual videos! What are you up to?”

Ray: “nothing! Me and my girl are just planning to hang out but our car broke down so can I take your car? we will be back before 5.”

Me: “man I just gave you the car not even a week ago and you stalled it out in the middle of the highway, man I had to push it back home and it fucking whacked me out!”

Ray: “I assure you, it ain’t gonna happen again. That day I did hella LSD so was trippin’ real hard!”.

Me: “nope!”

Ray: “come on man, it ain’t gonna happen. WORD!”

Me: (in a bit pissed mood) “ohk!”

‘I opened up the window pain and dropped the key in his hand, sat back and kept up with the porn. Around after 2 hours I received a phone call, its Ray’

Ray: “hey! your car broke down here, come and take it! “

Me: “where?”

Ray: “here on the freeway!”

Me: “what? But how?”

Ray: “I don’t know but it stalled out on the way, am leaving it here so come over and take it.

I’m short tempered and this really turned me off”

Me: “hey just wait there, am heading your way!”

Ray: “Alright”

‘I went to my room and took my grandpa’s baseball bat, got on my bike and reached there in no time!’

Ray: “am glad you are here man, can I take your bike?!”

I looked into the car and found that the parking break was on and he drove around 25 miles with the breaks on and that was probably the reason why my car broke down.

Ray: hey! What took you so long?

I just couldn’t stand there to listen to his crap and socked one in his sternum, kicked his crotch so hard that he peed and bludgeoned his head into the car, he was all the way knocked out on the ground.

Then his cranky hag started screeching on me and hitting me with her spongy arms like if I really was going to pay attention to her, I smacked one on her head and landed a flying drop kick in her saggy ovaries; she perhaps passed out, I didn’t check.

Some faggot was passing by and saw me doing that, so he took a mighty step and tried to stop me.

Faggot : “hey! How dare you hit a girl!”

Me: “faggot!”

and gave him a sweet chin music (kick) and broke his teeth all the way out! He was down BLEEDING HIS ASS OFF; but that shit made me feel exhausted, so I just sat inside the car, had some beer and called a tow truck to take my car back home and finally reached my home after like 4 hours. And then I did what I do best and that’s watching porn! The next day I heard some guy knocking my door, its ray!

Ray: “hey! Am really sorry for the other day, can I take your car!?”

GUESS WHAT TOOL

ITS

BATTING TIME!!

YA DIG?

They are really worried about their profile layout and spend precious hours in searching for them; they love their myspace more than their family and can even move out to spend a great life with their new date that’s their myspace profile, I have had myspace addict friends who used to ask me how they could make myspace layouts. Conversation went as below

Myspace addict: “yo, how can I make a kickass myspace layout of my own with great features like automatic replies to comments, my 3D ultra photoshoped HD QUALITY pictures, my update of every second, my cock for people to play with, visitors counter, tweaks and cheats, site map, ultra version of the classic limited edition star trek shock wave flash video game, and a lot more!”

ME: “did you do your homework?”

Myspace addict: “nope!”

ME: “did you call 911 when your mom was choking to death?”

Myspace addict: “nope!”

ME: “did you update your myspace?”

Myspace addict: “yup sure!”

ME: “did you go to the douche reunion lately?”

Myspace addict: “Umm..yup! But how do you know?”

ME: ( aggressively pointing a fork at him) “Get out of my house right now,  you cock or ima call the police!”

Myspace addict: “you mad at me?”

ME: (stabbing his right butt cheek with the fork) “No why would I be? Fag!”
I know I did the right job so should you and let’s just hope these faggots don’t breed Lets make special rules for all of these myspace additcts!

1. Every citizen should be equipped with a taser to instantly paralyze such myspace addicts if seen, who will later be dealt with under correctional facilities.
2. person accused for breeding myspace addicts will be impeached to the most atrocious limits including “castration or mercy killing”
3. such wankers should be stripped off their rights and dropped off the Niagara falls with their portrayed myspace profile picture tied around their necks and an internet connection up their ass.
4. Delete their myspace profiles.
5. That’s it.

Though you are 50 years old and still have a myspace  but make sure that your child is not a myspace addict or any close to the vicinity of the word “myspace addict”, If your kid shows any sign of an addict, ground him for life, beat him, tell him that he is worthless, put him on work and take a large part of his income for your weeds and stuff,make them commit felonies so he will eventually go to jail, make him feel like you have never been angrier, m sure he is going to quit either myspace or living with you, anyway if he quits myspace, definitely one day he will come into sight as a great personality perfect for noble award, the way am going to receive a noble award sooner for being the most intelligent person alive! Screw that TOOL!

YA DIG?

© 2009 The Best Blog in the Universe

Tips for girls that look like guys and for chubby women on fashion and how to get a Boyfriend!

Are you sure you look good, how many times do you look in the mirror and try to find the smallest blemish in your face, this might take a complete day gazing in the mirror like if it is a fucking magic mirror, well this might sound incisive but the truth is harsh!

So we start off the scratch!

I know women and girls can go to just any height to look good no matter how horrible and hideous they are, staying pretty is their foremost duty than just anything else, this includes breathing as well, spending ours in cosmetic stores makes them weary but they never cave in, if applying stuff and wearing over hundred layers of make up still don’t contribute any raise to their beauty and make them even uglier they head to the plastic surgeon.

So here are few tips for women who look like men.

Well the feature that counts the most is the face, always shave never forget to put a complete bowl full of foam on your face and shave it all the way through in one go repeat the process for at least 25 times, apply a bottle full of after shave and can even mix it in the bath tub which can later be used after you wax a ton of pubic hair off your body, now you must be wondering hair all over the body. Weird!  It’s true! Girls that look like guys have special features for instance “curly pubic hair all over the body”

After the bath, gargle with a glass full of dishwasher liquid to get rid of that horse voice,wear not less than 25 layers of make up, it must be directly proportional to the number of times you shave, try to hide the moustache line however it’s shaved but it’s quite apparent that you have shaved, if you have short hair, as a majority of guy-girls fail to grow long hair, wear a wig but not blonde if your skin is supper tanned this goes for black girls too, talk like you really are a girl oh yeah you are a girl ,wear skirts instead of pants to make sure that people find you a girl not a she male or a man but your legs must not be hairy this grosses out people easily, keep pulling the skirt up every time you see a guy around you( ignore this, if your legs are chubby!), try to look cute and sexually attractive but not like a boy , cat walk the way models walk on ramps not like a fucking raccoon, never approach a guy first or he might find you as a faggot looking for a gay partner there are chances that he will flee off, stand your ground and make sure that you are not looking like a guy by gaping into the hand mirror time after time, never forget to take the make up stuff with you and use it right when you feel that some guy is looking at you regardless of what he is actually thinking, if he continues looking at you for over 5 minutes start looking into his eyes and pull your skirt all the way up and keep a part of your sight on his cock, if it looks a bit protruding, you are done, get closer and initiate the conversation with him, during the conversation do question about his orientation and make sure that he didn’t find you a guy and fantasize a gay night with you, if not then go out with him, date him for a month or two, but never drag him to the bed because he is ultimately going to get freaked out so why should we let this happen, yup later try to make him feel like you are cheating on him with your brother, yup brother because there is scarcely any probability that you will get another guy to fall in your trap, screw himself all the way up and get himself deported to gay island, so your brother will be the perfect option to cheat on your so called boyfriend… if none of these tips works out, lash out on me in an email..

Here are some make up tips for whopping girls and women

Since you are monstrous, we know nobody likes you and you spend most of the time drooling over the food in the kitchen, all appalled about your body’s extraordinary size that’s not smaller than a fucking tow truck, you spend ages in the room and turn out to be an obnoxious fat emo and lock yourself up in the bath room time after time, you really need to calm down, if it’s not working out in real life, it’s about time to go online, make a new account on myspace. Yup! new not the older one because everyone out there has the consciousness about your real self and how ugly you are, on your new myspace profile enter your name as sexy sassy or sexy bitch or whatever but it must contain the word sexy, never use your real name so that your other friends don’t find you and reveal your reality to your newly found victims. Use a porn picture rather than your own pic as the default of your profile this is just for the effect  but upload your special photoshoped pictures that make you look like a skinny cam whore “absolutely ready to fuck”  in the picture section of your profile, dare to go out and buy tons of make up and a webcam , use the webcam when you think the guy is dumb and won’t figure that you are fat and hideous, increase the contrast and the brightness so that you look white but not sick and hide all the blemishes on your face, always touch your boobs and run your arms around your pussy to make the conversation  more sex oriented, blow kisses and keep asking him if he really likes you or not and you’re hot. If he says no then keep asking him until he changes his views, finally gets depressed and calls you hot that’s it, never go out with anyone you meet online because certainly he will run off.

Here are tips on how to get your pictures taken.

1. The restroom is the best place to get your pictures snapped.
2. Wear make up enough to cover your bulging cheeks.
3. apply a little lipstick, do not apply red lipstick because fat girls look like clowns with red lipstick it’s the truth try it out sometimes, you’re gonna quit lipstick that day and on
4. Apply a lot of mascara and look a bit like fat emo and wear emo goggles.
5. Never forget to make hand gestures while taking pictures, hands gesture add an extra feature to the pic, the observer will look more at the hand gesture than your body and face, this way you can easily conceal your chubbiness and ugliness at the same time.
6. Never wear pants, we already know that you can’t but never even think of  trying it anyhow, screw that

YA DIG?

Road trip

We all have cars and are pretty  proud of them no matter how wrecked , shitty but we still can go to any level to protect  them, so do I, but what happened last summer got me so pissed that I almost killed myself.

So it happened last summer when me and my friend Jacob were heading back home from aspen after attending a Jew birthday ceremony. On our way back on the freeway something uncanny happened, some loser kid on a hog came in front of us and I lost control over the car, in order to stop the car I had to do a 90 or we would have died in vain, the car went in to some tree and what I  tasted was the fucking airbag which smelt like some diaper, something that I never expected , our car broke down and there was no repair station in the vicinity, so I just told Jacob to push the car while I sit inside to steer it till we reach some repair shop and get it repaired, he started gawking at me all dismayed like If I  told him that I hooked his girl last night and said

Jacob: “man I sit inside, why don’t you push it”

Me: ” come on, it’s my car and I know how to steer it, fucking I have been doing this all my life and who the fuck are you to rule me, now go back and push” he was out of words, caved in and went back and started pushing!

Me: “what the fuck, at least let me get in, it can’t fucking steer by itself”

I was real glad watch that a dolt who never even bothered enough to pick up a remote control and change the fucking channel is pushing a 1000 pound car alone, it was going to be entertaining and so it was, after a travel of around 11.5 miles we finally reached a gas satiation and went into some restaurant named “eat at your own risk” like some fucking tool factory, I asked the lady at counter if she knew about some repair stations around as our car broke down,

Lady at the counter: “well-3second pause– nope”

I once again asked if she mistakenly said “no” now what she said totally freaked me out

Lady at the counter: “Do you want to place an order or else” this infuriated me I said

Me: “what the fuck are you talking about, you’re threatening me, you can’t just fucking start threatening people for no fucking reason, am a proud citizen of America and you can’t just fuking mess with me, I got the rights and the democracy and none of you stinky country side pricks can fuck with me, if am being gentle that’s just for a fucking reason or I would have had you run over”.
She smirked at me like if she had some sort of shot gun and was going to shoot me in the crack, she loudly said “Danny!” I looked back and searched for him in the restaurant and what I see is a giant muscular entity looking at me searing with anger and was on his way to whoop my ass, he flung me and Jacob all the way out and oh yeah during this course of time Jacob hardly had any word out of his fucking mouth.

So we parked the car right outside the restaurant and started walking down the street looking for some guy whom we could dig up some information about the repair station from, we walked on and on but couldn’t find anyone so we planned to return to the restaurant as we totally got whacked of walking and could hardly stand on our feet, we could have made some calls but fucking we were out of cell range and out of battery, we finally reached the restaurant and what we see is some douche making vulgar and offensive signs on my car with a spray can,

Me: “HEY WHAT THE FUCK”
he dropped the can and started running like if I was really going to run after him, fucking I could hardly breath how would I chase him down, I started laughing and crying at the same time, aggravation had the best of me and Jacob was peeking into the porn magazine that I picked up from the grocery store when we were leaving aspen,
Me “come on faggot when did you turn straight, I bought you some fag rag what up with that queer, go get it, it’s in the car and stop fucking with my stuff already” he looked disappointed though but again had his dick stuck in the magazine. I was feeling hungry and could  scarcely resist and so I summoned up the energy and went inside to fetch something  though I was not sure if Danny would bludgeon my head into the wall and make me bleed my ass off but I just couldn’t stand there with that perpetual intricacy I met, as I walked inside I found Danny right on the counter laughing on the phone “phone” “a phone” I finally found a way out, I just couldn’t stop myself and burst out laughing like if he really was going to let me use the phone,

Me: ” hey, remember me well I just came over to apologize, I shouldn’t have said that, my Bad, can I place an order and make a call, me and my friend Jacob are really whacked out and having a lot of difficulties and it’s too dark out there, we are not used to such situation so would you”.
He started laughing and pointing finger at me like if  I was a goddamn joke” I punched him in the face despite of the fact that I was exhausted, well I can’t just listen to shit and watch people laughing at me heartlessly, then he and some other guys probably from the kitchen started beating the fuck out of me and threw me into some big trashcan with all the profanity this planet could ever experience and I was so screwed that I didn’t have the liveliness to move out and stayed in there for almost like two hours screaming “Jacob’s name time after time, my mouth almost dried the fuck out and then he finally came over enjoying the scene, smiling,
Jacob: ” man, I told you don’t mess with people in the country side they aint no good, now get out and get going”

Me: ” where the fuck had you been scumbag, I have been in here for the past 2 hours, had you been hooking up with those dickwads ” and then what he said faded all the confidence I had in him,
Jacob: “well, I don’t know why they are hating on you, they are pretty nice people, gave me dinner, that phone is a fucking intercom that you had your ass beat up for and now am planning to sleep, had you been nice to them then they won’t have beaten you up, it’s all your fault don’t fucking blame me for no fucking cause loser” I finally dragged my ass out with a little help from Jacob and some how managed to get to the car and looked into the rear view mirror and what I see is a fuking blemish on my face “a fucking inspiration that I should have a plastic surgery”,

Me:”man this is the worst journey I’ve ever been on, the moment I move out of this torture I would go nirvana, that’s it no more fucking, no more weeds, no more cussing, it’s sick, ya dig screw that the moment I move out am heading to a fucking strip club and fucking bang a bitch”!
Jacob : ” yeah me too but how we ridding of this misery man, am totally whacked, had there been some Budweiser the night would be fun”

Me: “listen up faggot, just because am talking to you doesn’t mean that am your friend anymore, you dissed me all the way in front of those clowns, the moment I rid of

this wretchedness am surely moving my way on my car without you, you hear me dickhead” so we spent the night talking and eventually fell asleep.

Ultimately the sun rose and I woke up before Jacob and started looking around to find some AD- boards or a signs of a repair shop, I woke Jacob up and asked him to help me find it, he was sorry about what he did to me the other night so due to my kind nature I forgave him, consequently I had my ass in the car and asked him to push it, we continued moving for almost 50 miles yeah “50 miles” and we found some arrow indicating the left direction, we looked  left and what we see is a “strip club”
Me: “what the fuck, a fucking mirage, hey j look do you see what I see”

Jacob: ” yeah it’s a strip club”

Me: “what the fuck is a strip club doing over here in a deserted place that even lacks the fucking basic necessities, lets have a look” we walked towards the strip club and stood around the door way since I was feeling a bit dubious  that It could be some ghostly place I asked Jacob to walk inside “hey j what are you waiting for engraved invitation, walk in” Jacob a bit frightened  said ” fuck you man” and walked in, all of a sudden he came out running and said ” hey man it’s a fucking party time come on in” I cheerfully said “that’s my j” and rushed inside and what I see is a busty bitch with Jacob,

Jacob: “come on it’s a fun run, am really enjoying the girl, come on get one for yourself too”

Me: “sure but first I need some thing to eat” and swiftly grabbed some bear and cheetos. Cheetos and beer was all they had and that’s what I was looking for, after having the meal I jumped off the chair and quickly grabbed a bitch and the fun had started, well I didn’t know that it was a fucking certified fuck centre, the bitch pulled me to a room and said “is that bald guy your friend”

Me: “yup his name is Jacob”
Bitch: “is anything wrong with him?”

Me: ” yeah, he is a fucking faggot, how you got to know that guy is a fucking moron” Bitch: “well, he came to me and asked if this is a strip club, I said yes and he started touching my boobs recklessly like if I got no respect”

Me: “I have known this guy all my life and I figured that he is a fucking douche, I can’t even shit without him taking interest, you are fast at reckoning, had I reckoned this earlier I would have chucked him out years ago, well lets start off what we came over for, you hear me girl”

Bitch “alright” but out of the blue I realized that it was a deserted place and the bitch could charge more for the service

Me: ” hey! How much do you charge, I usually pay 25 bucks for a night in NY”

Bitch: “molly! That’s so less I charge 100 bucks for a night, how do they manage with such less amount in a state like NY” I really had penchant for the bitch and some how coped the situation,

Me: “it’s ohk now  get naked”

Bitch: “oh my god! That pecker is so tiny, the smallest” and started laughing at me,

Me: “so tiny! What the fuck you mean by so small, where you from the wholly mammoths, my dick is 11inch long aint that big enough for a hoe like you why you all start laughing at me”

Bitch: “the longest that I’ve seen was 25″

Me: “what the fuck, now bend down, have some doggy style” and before we could start I heard some guy knocking on the door, Great! It’s Jacob,

Jacob: “hey, it’s time to leave” Me “huh! Man we haven’t even started yet; you’re done already come on now!”

Jacob: “It’s getting dark already and I don’t wanna spend another night without shelter, you know am not used to that”

Me: “fuck you man” and put my clothes back on and opened the door. So we walked to the lobby and now what I see at the counter, it’s my friend Benji.. Yeah “Benji madden” from the band good charlotte”

Me:”hey,bro wat up with you in ere”

Benji: ” man my car broke down, saw this strip club, decided to join the fun, what are you guys doing down here”

Me: “man it’s the same story with us, our car broke down and we have been pushing it around since yesterday morning, you got a cell phone or something” Benji “yeah I just made a call to the car repair station, they must getting in ere in an hour or two, so enjoyed the girls”

Me: “no fucking way man Jacob screwed the fun, now aint feeling no fun, this bitches aint cool either, you know the charge for a night its fucking 100bucks I never paid that much and surely aint gonna pay even if shes the last hoe on the planet”

Benji: “ha ha ha , yeah right, so you guys aint drinking when did you quit”

Me: “I drank enough around 5 gallons why don’t you try some it’s a special from a deserted countryside, It’s fun even better than absinth”

Benji: “really ima try”

Jacob: “it’s getting dark man”

Me: “fuck the night faggot”,  eventually  hours passed and none the car repair vans showed up , so we parked the cars outside the club as none of us had balls enough to drag them both and planned to walk for 10 more miles , Jacob took some beer and cheetos for the way and almost knocked the fuck out on the road so I had to drag him along or he would have been left and am not that cruel, we walked on and on and on and reached some zany spot named “we serve you better” I wondered “what do they serve” and went to counter and said “hey what is this place for, what you guys serve” guy on the counter looked  into my eyes like If I was a fucking mugger  and loudly said “everything is yours” and hid under the counter,

Me: “what the fuck! Do I look like a fucking thief, what are you actually trying to prove” guy on the counter swiftly moved out of the hiding,

Guy at the counter: “hello, sir welcome to McDonalds im lovin it!” Me “what the fuck”this place aint McDonalds it’s a fucking brothel, I know how does a McDonald look, you’re a fucking poser”

Guy at the counter: “you sir are wrong, it is a McDonald, since hardly any customer shows up down here we have taken all the advertisement boards off the shop and sold them in a fucking backyard sale along with my grandma’s panties”

Me: “really you telling the truth”

Guy at the counter: “right, can I take your order”

Me:”nah, none of us is hungry, we already had enough, is there any place where we can get a rented car or something”

Guy at the counter: “sure, there is a guy who gives cars on rent, you guys seem strangers but ima help you guys coz after years I have seen some customers or at least close to customers as you guys bought nothing”

Me: “we aint hungry man”

Guy at the counter: “alright” and picked up the phone and made a call to the guy who gave cars on hire.

Guy at the counter: “hey there, some guys over here looking for a car on rent, am sending                           them help ‘em out, you here me”

Guy on the phone: “sure send em’ over”

Guy at the counter put the phone down and said “go two blocks ahead, he’s gonna be there with the car”

Me: “and how long are these two blocks”

Guy at the counter: “around a mile or over, have a nice journey see you guys later”

Me: “later nah”

We left the place, Jacob was still not up so I had to carry him around on my shoulder and after a walk of almost 1.5 miles we ultimately reached the guy,

Me: “you the guy who gives cars on rent, right”

Guy: “you the guys that Ronnie told me about”

Me “well, I got no clue if his name is Ronnie but yeah we are looking for a car”

Guy: “500 bucks”

Me”: I can fucking buy a new car for 500bucks’

Guy: “alright 250″

Me: “now that’s some real bargaining”

Benji: “will you at least let me say a word”

Me: “now, what you got to say, we already have a deal you better think about your band and the lip ring you faggot”

Jacob: “Mom!”

Me: “oh the baby woke up, now what you’re looking ‘nut sack’ dickhead”

So we drove out of there and finally reached a motel and spent the night ,got our cars repaired and shit, it was a fine journey but it did make me feel like a fucking survivor.